Random Musings

I went out to grab some lunch from Wendy's today. While I was sitting in line at the drive-thru, a lady 2 cars in front of me started emptying her ashtray out her car window. Umm, couldn't she have waited to do that in a garbage can instead of littering all over the Wendy's parking lot? Then, she proceeds to open her car door and spit onto the pavement. Several times. I don't want to be seeing this, but I can't take my eyes away. She closes her door, and then spits once more out the window for good measure. Classy broad, eh?

I painted my fingernails yesterday. I don't know why. I hate having my fingernails painted (toenails are a different story, I love to throw all kinds of funky colors on my toenails). The polish always seems to make my already short fingers appear even stubbier. Plus, my nails are getting to the point where they make typing more difficult, usually I just cut them all off when it gets like that. But yesterday I decided to paint them instead of cutting them. So now I have short, stubby fingers and I can't type. *shrug* I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes.

My mom's birthday is this Friday, and my sister's is next Thursday. I hate having their birthdays so close together. Takes a toll on the ole cash flow. I kind of know what I'm getting them both. The only idea my mom gave me is a wallet. A bifold wallet with a change purse in the center with a clasp, not a zipper. Ok, thanks for being specific, I just hope I can find one like that. My sister gave me a few ideas for herself:
1. A house. Yeah. Don't think I'll be able to swing that one.
2. Stuff for a house. Like what? she doesn't know. Ok, gift card it is.
3. Anti-wrinkle creams. She says her wrinkles are out of control. I say she's just spazzing about turning 30. *rolls eyes*
4. Candles. I can do that.

So, I'll either be getting her a gift card from Target or some candles. Or both. We are also going to throw a little party for her, probably at Dave & Buster's. Yay! I love that place. I don't love her friends though. They are all so annoying. Good thing they have a bar at D&B. *grin* (Ack! I just looked at their drink menu. They all sound soooo good! How am I going to choose?!)
I think I'll buy dinner for my mom too (we're probably going out to eat for Easter) because I feel guilty spending more money on my sister than my mom. I know it shouldn't be about money, but that's the way I think unfortunately. Oh, and I'm also burning her a copy of 2 of my Coldplay cd's. She got a new car with a 6 disc changer, but she doesn't even have 6 cd's! She doesn't know who she would like, but she likes Coldplay's first cd that I gave her long ago, so I figure she will like these also. Should I burn her some KoRn, too? I'm sure she would like them. LMAO.

It's very nice outside today. Sun is shining, and I opened my sunroof for the first time this year. It is supposed to be like 70 degrees tomorrow. I don't want summer to come though. I hate the hot and humid weather. I wish it would always be fall.

My nephew called me yesterday and left a message on my machine. "Hi Aunt Jen. Call us back. Love you. Bye." It was cute because there were these long pauses in between sentences and I knew my sister was telling him what to say. :) He's so fricking adorable. It's hard to talk to him on the phone though. He will just ramble on and I usually have no idea what he is saying. I just love hearing his cute little voice though. Love.that.kid.

I burned my tongue on a grilled cheese sammich yesterday. It is annoying me. (My tongue, not the sammich.)

We have Friday off of work. Yipee!

Welcome to Oh.My.Blog!

Hello to any newcomers! I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for the day that I would share my blog. *grin*
As you can see by the archives, I've had this blog for over a year now and have gone through various stages of keeping it totally private, sharing it with just a few, and sharing it with several. I'm not sure why I've kept it semi-private, really. I don't usually have anything important or earth shattering to say. I guess I'm just shy and wasn't comfortable with "strangers" reading my thoughts. But maybe that's something I need to overcome. Because I don't really think of any of you as "strangers" necessarily. Strange? Absolutely. But not strangers. :)

Anyway, I'm jumping in, joining the fun. I know there are so many other blogs and it's hard to keep up with them all, so I will understand if no one visits mine. :) I'm not a super updater, but I'm trying to work on that, too. So if you like reading my thoughts, I invite you to come back sometime and say hi.

*waves*

*sets out cookies and vodka*

Bye-bye, house

The house deal is no longer. :(

My sister was telling some of her friends about the house and they all kept saying that that area was really prone to flooding. One bitch even told her that they call the kids who live in that area "swamp rats". WTF?! So it came time for the home inspection and they found out that the downstairs living room showed some flood damage. The seller was not being up front with them. He finally fessed up to the fact that at one time the house had flooded and there had been about 7 inches of water downstairs. He says it was all taken care of properly, walls repaired and new carpet, but he wouldn't provide any information about who had done the work so that my sister could check into it. She said she wasn't comfortable with the house anymore, knowing that it was at risk for floods, and she also started wondering what else the seller might not have been up front about. So they backed out. I was pretty bummed, I loved that house. But I kept saying "it's too good to be true" and turns out I was right.

All this talk about houses has made me want to move. Not really, but I like thinking of getting a new place. They just raised my rent again, only $10 though, and its still cheaper than anything else comprable to the size and location. Maybe next May when my lease is up. I would love, love, love to get a place with a washer/dryer in suite. And some place where it's not such a hassle to unload groceries. And maybe another bedroom to use as my computer room. Those are my dreams. But I like my place. It'll do for now.

Diagnosis, finally

I had my colonoscopy today. It wasn't too bad, I guess. They gave me some sleepy medicine, but I would wake up during the procedure every so often. I was trying to look at the monitor to see what was going on, but the damn nurse kept blocking my view. Heh. I could feel some stuff going on, but it wasn't really painful. When I was in the recovery room the doctor came and talked to me. I definitely have diverticulosis, which is somehow different than diverticulitis, but I'm not sure how. I'll have to look it up. Basically I just need to add more fiber to my diet, and I have to start taking Metamucil. I feel so old. Heh. The doctor said it's very rare for someone my age to have this. That's pretty much all he said, so I have nothing else to report. I still don't understand why it seems to flair up right before I get my period. I didn't think to ask about that because I was drowsy, but I'm supposed to have a follow up in a couple weeks so I'll ask then. Anyway, I got home, ate some lunch and took a 4 hour nap. I feel alright now. I've been having some crampy pains and I'm still tired, but doing fine.

Taprooooooooooooot!

Awesome, awesome show. I fucking love them. They are great live. So much energy, a great connection with the crowd, and they really seem to be having fun. They didn't play my favorite songs, of course. No one ever does. But they played a few of my almost favorites, so that's good. I don't remember what order these were all played in, so I went album by album. Not interesting to anyone but me, I know, but I'm doing this so I don't forget I saw them again! LOL.

From Blue Sky Research (2005) (I pretty much love every song on this cd, so I was happy they played so many from it. But not my favorite song. *grumble*)

I Will Not Fall For You (an almost favorite)
Birthday
Facepeeler
Calling (another almost, they played this to close the show)
So Eager (really like this song)
Nightmare
Blue-Sky Research / What's Left

From Welcome (2002)

Mine
Poem
Myself

From Gift (2000)

Smile
Again & Again
Emotional Times
I
Mirrors Reflection (Opener)

The tickets said the show started at 7, but actually that is just when the doors opened. I wish I would've known that, I wouldn't have had to rush so much after work. I also wish I would have known there were 3 opening bands! I only knew of 1, Evans Blue. We went in, got a couple beers then staked out a place to stand where there happened to be a schedule for the night hanging. Taproot wasn't even scheduled to go on until 10:30! I had a feeling it was going to be a long night, but the time actually went pretty fast. The opening bands were ok. Nothing special, really. But not horrible. We had some interesting encounters with some guys (some creepy, some kinda hot). And then Taproot took the stage. And fucking rocked it out. The lead singer is just awesome. He was really paying attention to the crowd and laughing at people while he was singing. People kept jumping up on stage so they could crowd surf and he would shake hands with them. One girl was hugging all over him and he said "Whoa. Are you 18?" Heh. He just had a really good presence and personality. I might have a little crush on him now. :) During one of the songs he came out into the crowd and went back to the bar (where Tracy and I were standing) to get a couple beers. *snort* He walked right by me twice, so of course dork that I am, I felt the need to scream "Whoooooooo!" right up in his face. And I was patting him on the back. He didn't seem to notice. LOL. They finished up a little before midnight. I could've listened to them for another 2 hours, they were so good. I can't wait to see them again!

(Note to self: Next time you go to Peabody's, you want to use the parking lot at the corner of Prospect and E. 21st street)

Yay! Yay! Yay!

Jeez, a freaking plethora of posts today. :D

My sister got the house!!!!!! Woooohoooooooo! *big smile*

I love this house, I'm so happy they got it. She's really excited too, obviously.

Now we have to help them move. Ew.

I don't remember that!

So tonight I'm going to a concert. I'm seeing one of my favorite bands, Taproot at a club called Peabody's. How exciting! I've never seen Taproot before, and I don't think I've ever been to Peabody's.
Tracy: No, you've been there. We went there with Janette one time.
Me: Really? *thinks* Oh yeah. I vaguely remember that. Why did we go there?

Ok, so I've been to Peabody's once.

But wait, I can kind of picture the club now, and I think I've been there some other time. *goes to photo album where I keep concert tickets* Ah yes, here it is. Peabody's presents 216. Oh yeah, I went there with April and her husband once, or maybe twice. I'm sure I was really drunk both times, so that's why I don't remember.

Ok, so I've been there a couple times.

But gee, you know, now that I really have a clear picture of the club in my mind, I feel I'm forgetting something. I remember a guy straddling an air conditioning duct above my head, and it broke and I was scared he was going to fall. Who was that? I know I wasn't there with Tracy or April. Oh! I think I went to a concert with my BIL once. Didn't I? But who the hell would we have seen? The only band that I know for sure he and I both like is 311. And this club is too small for 311.

*calls sister*
Me: Hey. Didn't Brian and I go to a concert together one time?
Her: Yeah, when I was pregnant and on bed rest.
Me: Oh yeah. Is he home? Ask him if he remembers where that was, and who was playing.
Her: He's in the shower, hang on a second. *muffled* Didn't you go to a concert with Jen once?
Him: Yeah.
Her: Do you remember who you saw and where it was?
Him: Taproot. I think it was at Peabody's.
Me: *shock* OMFG. I can't believe I didn't remember that I had seen Taproot before! Holy shit! Ask him if that was when one of the bandmembers got up on the air conditioning duct.
Her: *asks*
Him: Yeah, I think so.

So in the span of a week, I've gone from thinking I've never seen this band or been to this club, to realizing I have seen the band and been to the club at least 3 times, if not more. *boggle*

I can't believe how bad my memory is. It scares me how much stuff I have done that I have no memory of. Tracy is always saying to me "Remember that time that we..." and I'm all "Umm. No, not really." I don't like not remembering these things. It really upsets me. *sigh*

Movies

I watched Proof this weekend (with my Jake in it). It was really good. I watched it twice. He's so goddamned sexy. *drool*

Also watched a movie called Lone Star State of Mind (with my Josh in it). I wasn't really expecting much from this movie, I had never heard of it before. I was only watching it for Josh, but I was pleasantly surprised with it. It was really, really funny. One of those so-stupid-you-have-to-laugh movies. I watched it twice, also and still laughed the second time around. Bonus points for a scene of Josh in the bathtub wearing only cowboy boots and a hat. *drools more* I love him. He's sexy too, but in a totally different way than Jake. Jake's sexiness is mostly physical, he seems like he's kinda dumb, and he thinks he's funny but he's really notsomuch. Josh has more of a sweet face, not smoldering good looks. He seems like he's a smart guy with a great sense of humor, and he's laid back. Jake seems kinda hyper sometimes. And Josh seems like he's got a little bit of a bad boy in him (should I post his mugshot pic here? LOL.) and I find that oddly attractive. Odd because I'm not usually attracted to bad boys. I like nice boys. But Josh seems like he has both going on. Anyway, that's my take, but who knows for sure? Heh. I love them both (but I think I love Josh a little more. Shh! Don't tell Jake.)

And back to my original topic... movies. Brokeback Mountain is being released on dvd April 4. Yay! I'm surprised it's so soon. It's still showing in a couple theaters up here, I think. You know what else is being released that day? Dawson's Creek season 6. It's another Josh vs. Jake battle. Which one do I try to get from Netflix? Hmmmm. I think I will try to get BM, since I'm not through all of the seasons of Dawson's Creek that I borrowed from Glow yet. Yes, I've already seen them, but I could watch Josh all day. In fact, that's all I did this weekend except for my brief Jake breaks while watching Proof.

Have I ever mentioned that Josh is one of my favorite guy names? Josh and Ryan, those have always been my favorite names.

Ok, enough rambling for now. *goes back to daydreaming about Josh*

32 pills

I had a doctors appointment today, and we scheduled my colonoscopy for next Thursday. They give you 4 choices for what method of laxative/diuretic whatever it is that you want to take.

1. Drink 1 gallon of some salt water like solution (no thanks!)
2. Drink 1/2 gallon of solution and take 1 dose of some nasty ass drink (I think I'll pass on that, too)
3. Take 2 doses of nasty ass drink (um. ok, not too bad)
4. Take pills. Lots and lots of pills.

I opted for the pills, though now I'm thinking I should have gone with option #3. Here is my schedule for the day before the procedure:

All liquid diet for the day before.

4:00pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water
4:15pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water
4:30pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water
4:45pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water
5:00pm- Take 4 pills with 12oz. of ginger ale

8:00pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water
8:15pm- Take 4 pills with 12oz. of ginger ale
9:00pm- Take 4 pills with 8oz. of water

Holy shit! That's a lot of fucking pills! So, from 4 to 5 I'm going to be pretty much non-stop popping pills and peeing. Oh joy. Not to mention the torrent of diarhhea that will be coming. Ugh. This is so gross. I don't want to have this done. I don't want anyone poking around in my ass. It's humiliating. *sigh*

FUCK TICKETMASTER!

Can someone please explain to me how 2 concert tickets with a value of $14 each end up costing me over $40? God, I fucking hate Ticketmaster and their bullshit charges. HATE.THEM!

I'm in a really fucking bad mood now. Not just because of that, but it sure didn't help.

In other news, we went to look at another house with my sister last night. I loved it! It was perfect. They are supposed to be putting in an offer today, so we'll see how it goes. I was going to go into more detail about it, but I'm too pissed off to care right now.

Tim Patrick

When I was growing up, the "boy next door" was Tim Patrick. 'Cept he wasn't really next door, he was across the street and over one. And by "street" I mean alley. We lived in a condo, so the "street" I'm talking about was just where the garages were. Anyway, he was so cute. He always had a perfect tan, and he was just handsome, even the older girls all had crushes on him. I had crushes on him on and off over the years. Sometimes we were kinda friends, sometimes he was mean to me, sometimes we ignored each other. I don't remember exactly when they moved away, but I guess it was sometime around 7th grade. I didn't think of him after that, and not in the 12(?) years since then. Until recently, when I've been having dreams about him. Not about him neccesarily, he's just in them. I have one, then forget about it, then have another one a couple months later, lather rinse repeat. It's so funny the things and people your mind dredges up at completely random times. I wonder what Tim looks like now, I bet he's fucking gorgeous! I wonder where he's living and what he's doing. I kind of like having dreams with Timmy Patrick in them. Oh, and last night Robert Downey Jr. was there too! He was smoking crack in my mom's garage. Good times, good times.

Hmm...

Should I buy this recliner?



Not in that color. It's more like an off-white, stone color. The tag said it was originally $750, but it's on sale for $350. Only until Monday though. I've been toying with the idea of getting a recliner for a few months now. Tonight is the first time I've actually gone and looked at any though, so I have no comparison really. I only went to one store and this was the best one, nice and soft and cushy, and the best price, too. All the other ones were upwards of $400 and I am not paying that much. Gah. I hate spending money! Especially on something that I don't really need. And I still have $600 worth of repairs that I have to get done to my car by February when my lease is up. But I really like it. Hmm.

I always liked math

but I'm a bit embarassed by how long I had to think about a couple of these. I blame it on 2 drinks with lunch. *grin*

You Passed 8th Grade Math

Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct!

Could You Pass 8th Grade Math?

Too far away

My sister is probably moving. They've been saving up money to buy a house for a little while now, and they found this great deal on a brand new house. A little sooner than they had planned on moving, but it might be too good to pass up. The only problem? it's even farther away from mom and me than they are now. *sigh* The selfish part of me hopes that they don't get it. I barely see Tate as it is, which I guess is partly my fault, but I never feel like going out to her house after work. (And also because I hate my BIL and I don't even want to be around him.) And she's one of those people who is always on the go, so weekends are hard too. Except for when she needs me to watch him, then she will put some effort into making plans with me. *rolls eyes*
Anyway, we all went out to look at the house last night. It's nice. A split level, 3BR 1.5 bath. The rooms are kinda tiny, but it's cute. Growing up in a condominium always made me want to live in a real house so badly, and I'm sure it's the same for her. So the kind sister part of me hopes that they will get the house.

Heh. So, I'm typing all this out, and my mom comes in and says that she thinks they won't be putting in an offer. My mom said that the quality of the house wasn't very good, and it seems like she might have talked my sister out of it.

Nevermind. LOL.

Update

I'm not in the hospital, obviously. The doctor basically said wait and see how I feel the rest of the day, and if I'm not any better by tomorrow, she might want to do another CAT scan. *rolls eyes* Joy. But at least I'm home. And now I'm going to take a nap.

Fuck

My stomach pains came back again last night, also accompanied by a fever. I really don't feel good. In addition to the horrible abdomen pains, the fever is giving me all over body pains. Oh, and I think I may be starting soon because my boobs are sore too. I'm a fucking mess.
So, I already had a follow up doctors appointment scheduled for today, and I am very worried that they are going to want to re-admit me to the hospital. You have no idea how unhappy this makes me. The hospital was like torture. And I'm not kidding. People shoving needles in me over and over again (remember how I had those 2 blown veins that swelled up my hand and arm? My hand still hurts) and you get no fucking sleep because someone comes to check your vital signs every two hours and you can't get comfortable in those stupid ass beds. *cries* I don't know if I can take another stay. Why can't they just give me oral antibiotics instead of needing an IV? Fuck. I'm scared. So, my appointment is at 2, and I think I'm going to pack a bag for the hospital just in case.
Or maybe I'm worrying for nothing. I don't know. If I don't update my blog by later tonight, you'll know where I am. :(

Thank goodness for health insurance!

6 day, 5 night hospital stay: $3,950
2 CAT scans: $6,435
IV Antibiotics: $1,500
Total hospital bill: $13,843!

Holy shitballs. I can't even imagine having to pay for that. I *heart* medical insurance.

I really have nothing else to say. I'm very tired. I need a nap.

Four Things

Four jobs I've had:
1. Cashier at grocery store
2. Cashier at office supply store
3. Copy center associate (technically same job as #2, but I needed to fill a space)
4. Administrative Assistant

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. Shawshank Redemption
2. Requiem for a Dream
3. Beaches
4. Pretty much any movie I like, I can watch a million times

Four Places I have lived:
1. Brunswick, Ohio
2. Strongsville, Ohio
3. ETA- Dayton, Ohio. I forgot about my short college stint.
4. That's all

Four Shows I love:
1. Lost
2. The OC
3. Survivor
4. Arrested Development

Four highly-touted TV shows I detest:
This question is too hard because I don't detest any shows. If I don't like it, I just don't watch it.

Four books I'd recommend to anyone, anytime:
1. Wuthering Heights
2. Straight Talking
3. One True Thing
4. I wouldn't actually recommend these to anyone, but I couldn't think of anything else to write. :)

Four places I have vacationed:
1. Florida
2. Rome, New York (Woodstock '99)
3. Niagra Falls (when I was a kid, I had forgotten about this until I read Glow's)
4. Fremont, Indiana (our lake house)

Four of my favorite dishes:
1. Pizza
2. Hamburgers
3. French fries
4. Fettucine alfredo

Four sites I visit daily:
1. Blogger
2. MSN TV Listings
3. Netflix
4. Yahoo! (for email)

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Home
2. Somewhere there is no snow
3. With friends
4. Dead

And I'm tagging:
No one. The 2 people who read this blog have already done it. :)

Yes, I am alive

I know I've been lacking in the communication department this past week. I'm still just very weak from my 5 day hospital stay. I don't have my stomach pains anymore, but my arms hurt like a bitch. I have a blown vein in each arm from all the shit they were putting into my body through IV. One in my right hand and one on my left arm. They are swollen and very painful. Not to mention my arm muscles which are so weak. You should see my arms, totally covered in bruises from them sticking me so much. I have very hard to find veins, so they had to try about 10 different IV sites before they found one to use (then that one blew and they had to do it again, and so forth) and also I had blood taken every day. *sigh*

Nothing much to update otherwise. I have to make an appointment with a surgeon in the next few weeks. Then after I'm healed better, I will have a colonoscopy to determine what the hell is really wrong with me. If it is the diverticulitus, the doctor might suggest that I go ahead and have surgery to remove the infected portion of my intestine, otherwise I will just keep having this problem forever.

Ok, enough typing. My arms hurt. Heh.

I hate hospitals

On Saturday morning I woke up early in the morning to use the bathroom, and as I was walking I got this horrible stabbing pain in my lower abdomen on the left side. It doubled me over, it hurt so bad. They would last about 5-10 seconds and then when it wasn't a stabbing pain, it was just like a general crampiness, like a period cramp. I figured that's what it was, because I'm supposed to be getting my period soon, but then I called my mom and she reminded me that I had an episode like this a couple weeks ago. I barely remembered this because the pains didn't last very long. I shrugged these new ones off at first, but the pains weren't going away like they had before. I was supposed to be going shopping with my sister and watching Tate overnight, but the pains weren't going away, so I had to cancel. The stabbing pains and cramps lasted Sunday and Monday (I had to call off work) and they seemed to be getting worse. I was scared. I didn't think this was just regular cramps anymore. I could barely move. Walking and moving made them hurt much worse. So I basically laid on my couch the whole weekend and watched Dawson's Creek on dvd (I'm in love with Pacey). I made a dr's appointment for today. That right there tells how much it hurt. Usually I would avoid the dr. at any cost.

Today the stabbing pains are gone, but I have constant cramping that hurts so bad I can hardly stand. I was crying at my desk earlier because it just doesn't stop. If I sit still for a long time, it lessens a little bit, but moving and walking is a bitch.

So, my regular doctor is on maternity leave and I had to go to a substitute. She was nice though. Maybe nicer than my regular doctor. She poked around on my stomach and took a urine sample and found nothing wrong. She said it could be my kidneys or my bowels or my ovaries (my mom and I are thinking that I've probably got ovarian cysts. I've had trouble with that before, when I was younger) but she wanted to send me for a CAT scan. So, over to the hospital we went (my mom came with me) and got all checked in. The lab technician gave me this drink that I have to drink over an hour's time period. She said we didn't have to stay there while I drank it, so we came back to the office because it wasn't good for us both to be gone so long. The hospital is only like 5 minutes from here. So, that's where this saga ends for now. I'm drinking this yucky drink (at first it tasted like icky lemonade, but the more I drink the nastier it is) and we'll go back to the hospital for the CAT scan in about 20 minutes.

I really hope I don't have to have surgery. I have had a lot of surgeries in the past, and they just bring back so many bad memories. I can't walk into a hospital without getting nauseous.

I'll update later if we get any answers. *sigh*

I *heart* unexpected gifts

While I do still think my boss can be a real douche sometimes, he can also be very generous. We were talking about my Sirius radio this morning (that he gave me for Christmas) and I was telling him how much I loved it and mentioned that I still had to get the home kit for it because Radio Shack had been sold out. He said he had to go by there to look at something for his phone, so I asked him if he would take a look and see if they had any in stock yet so that I could go pick it up after work. A little later in the afternoon, he comes waltzing in with a bag, plops in on my desk and says "Who says Santa doesn't come twice a year?" Yup, he bought it for me. I told him that wasn't necessary and offered to write him a check, but he said no. So.nice.

I think my mom was a little pissed off. She's worked for him for like 15 years and I guess he's never gone out of his way to do stuff for her. I don't know. Maybe I was imagining it.

But yay! Now I'm all set to be hooked up and I don't have to keep toting all these wires back and forth. Now if Howard would just get his show put on the internet, I will be a happy girl. Well, happy about one aspect of my life at least. Heh.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, my sweet Glow!
I love you. Hope you have a wonderful birthday and year.

*sigh*

Really, really shitty day today. I just had a cigarette. It didn't make me feel better. But it didn't make me feel bad for cheating either, so I guess that's good. I just don't give a fuck right now. I'm numb. I want to go home and climb under the covers and never come out.

9 Days

9 days of not smoking. Most of the time I don't even crave it. When I saw Brokeback, I started wanting one because they smoke a lot in that movie. But a lot of the time, I just wonder why I was so hell bent on quitting in the first place. I guess just because I was doing it too much. I was smoking about a half a pack a day. But I could go a few days without having one. So why did I quit? *shrug* Beats me. I wish I had done a blog entry explaining my reasons, because right now I can't remember. And I know that this is probably just the addiction talking and I'm looking for a reason to start back up again. I dunno. The only other thing I've ever tried to give up is fast food, but I always knew why I was doing that. I wasn't worried about my health with smoking, because let's face it, I don't give a fuck about my health or myself. I didn't like spending the money, that's for sure, but I don't think that was a major reason. I didn't like that it made me and my apartment stinky. Is that why I quit? Because I smelled? That doesn't seem right either. I guess it was just because smoking is something you're not supposed to do.

The whole smoking thing is just a mystery to me, I guess. 'Cause when I was smoking I didn't know why I was doing it. It didn't taste good, it didn't make me feel any different. Like, if I was stressed and had a cigarette, I did not feel less stressed.

So, I don't know why I started smoking in the first place, I don't know why I kept doing it, and now I don't know why I quit. Maybe I quit because I didn't know why I was smoking. *rolls eyes* Confused much?

Cold, cold, go away!

I got this cold like 11 days ago, and the past few days I had been feeling progressively better. Then today hits and I am feeling shitty all over again. Blah! I don't get sick a whole lot, but when I do it seems to stick around for.ever. I think maybe I'm feeling worse today because I did a lot of physical activity yesterday (major house cleaning. migawd was it dirty!) and I also didn't get much sleep last night. Damn cold medicine. I took it at like 2pm, thinking that would be plenty of time for it to get out of my system so that I could sleep. (Cold medicine makes me not able to sleep. I don't know why. Even Nyquil, which is supposed to knock you out. Nope- keeps me up.) So, I went to bed at about 10, which would've given me 8 hours. Normally I don't get up until 8, but I was excited for Howard's first show on Sirius and I wanted to hear the whole thing, so I wanted to get up at 6. *sigh* Well, I woke up around 2am and pretty much was awake from 2-6. I would fall asleep for maybe 1/2 hour and then wake up again for 20 minutes, then fall asleep for 15, and so on. *yawn*

And Howard's first show really wasn't anything special. It was good hearing him again, but I really could've slept and not missed much. Especially the 1.5 hour press conference. BO-RING! I am loving my Sirius though. Channel 21, Alt Nation, is awesome. I'm loving some of these bands that I had never even heard of before. My current favorite song is by Panic! At The Disco. LOL. That name makes me laugh. :)

I saw Brokeback Mountain on Saturday. It was good. I just hate it when you hear a movie is great! wonderful! fantastic! heart-wrenching! oscar nominated! and you get your hopes up so high, then see the movie only to be a bit disappointed. I mean, it was good, but not "WOW, HOLY SHIT!" great. To be fair though, it may have been partly because the theater was packed and we ended up having to sit in the third row from the screen that I didn't enjoy it so much. Ugh. So hard to see, and so uncomfortable to have your neck in that position for 2.5 hours. Lots of great close-ups of my Jakey though. Mmmmm. I love him. Have I mentioned that? *grin* Anyway, I will be seeing it again when it comes out on dvd and maybe I'll enjoy it more in the comfort of my own home.

A pic

This wouldn't post on Carey's blog for some reason, so I'm trying it out here. I should have more coming in the future. :)

My favorite memory

I'm sure that other people will be providing more lengthy updates, and I may later tonight also, if I feel like it. I'm still very tired. Anyhow, I just wanted to share my most favorite part of the entire weekend...

The reception was coming to and end. The hall was emptying out. There were 7 crazy women still out dancing on the floor. We all joined together into a circle and started swaying in a big circular slow dance. The DJ announced that he was going to play the last song of the evening, dedicated to the group of ladies dancing with the bride. It went a little something like this:

And I never thought I'd feel this way
And as far as I'm concerned
I'm glad I got the chance to say
That I do believe I love you

And if I should ever go away
Well, then close your eyes and try to feel
The way we do today
And then if you can remember

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Well, you came and opened me
And now there's so much more I see
And so by the way I thank you

Whoa, and then for the times when we're apart
Well, then close your eyes and know
These words are comin' from my heart
And then if you can remember, oh

Keep smiling, keep shining
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
In good times, in bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
Oh, that's what friends are for

Whoa... oh... oh... keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for

Keep smilin', keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, oh, for sure
'Cause I tell you that's what friends are for
For good times and for bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for (That's what friends are for)

On me, for sure
That's what friends are for
Keep smilin', keep shinin'

It was such a special moment. All of us with arms around each other and swaying and singing to each other. Nookie, Glowie and I were all a little teary eyed. Ok, I was bawling. Sue me. *grin* I'm getting a bit verklempt now just thinking about it. I loved that moment. The.Perfect.Song. I even thanked the jackass non-gay DJ for playing it.

More to come later. I don't have a digital camera, so any pics I post won't be up for quite awhile. *pout*

Glow, Carey, Carole, Yvonne, Wendy and Michelle- Thank you all for a great weekend. I can't wait to meet you again. *big hugs and smooches*

It's real.

I've been very excited for most of the day, just thinking how great it will be to meet everyone and to go to Glowie's reception. Then about an hour ago, I started to get nervous. Like, really nervous. My stomach hurts something awful and I'm getting a headache. What if everyone thinks I'm a dork (and not in the good dork kind of way) or what if we have nothing to say (which I really don't think would happen) or what if we just don't have the same type of friend chemistry that we have online? And then I'm also worrying about the weather for driving. It's been snowing for most of the day and I really hope the roads aren't bad. Plus, the last half of my journey will be in the dark. Normally that would be fine, but I'm only somewhat familiar with the area, ya know. I'm just a big ball of nerves right now. I feel like puking. I think it just hit me that it's really real. Today, in about 4 hours, I will be seeing Glow again and meeting Carey, Michelle, Nookie, and Breezy, and Augie tomorrow. It's real. The day is here.

*pops some Tums* *takes deep breath*

TMI anyone?

I think that Frosted Cheerios give me The Squirts. And the first poo? smelled exactly like Frosted Cheerios. It was very odd, and really grossed me out. I'm thinking of having Taco Hell for lunch, which may not be the best idea, given my current intestinal condition.

In other news, only 2 days before I go to Pittsburgh! *excited shiver*

*heart breaks*

Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! *sobs*

So, you know how I'm in love with our FedEx delivery guy? *sniff* Well, he just came in and was chatting with my mom. *sniff* And they were talking about how much snow we were supposed to be getting tomorrow. *sniff* And he said "We have to go out to Mentor tomorrow. We have to places we have to go to."

We? We? WE?!?!

*throws self to floor and sobs*

I don't like today. *sniff*

Erm, not exactly...

So, I put in a request for a winter siggie, it read as follows:

I humbly request a winter siggie. I'd like it to represent what winter, snow and ice mean to me... falling on my butt. *grin* If I could have a little animated thing with someone walking and slipping on some ice, that would be great! It would bring smile to those all around, because really, what's funnier than watching someone fall down over and over again?

And this is what I got:



Am I a complete and total bitch for looking at this and going, "No thanks!" Ice skaters falling down is not funny. Ok, it is a little bit funny, but it's so not what I had in mind. And I really do appreciate the sig makers. It's so generous of them to give up their time to make things for us, but... I just don't like it. *sigh* I feel awful. I haven't even said thank you yet. Blah! I'm a bitch!!
(or maybe it's just 'cause I don't like Cygnus. *snort*)

Just.Beautiful.

I've watched my Glowie's wedding 4 times now. It was so wonderful. Each time it gets better. The first time? I was grinning like a fool, watching intently, tearing up a bit and trying to keep up with the chat session. Thanks and smooches to Arkie, Iggy, PM, Seana, Nookie, Breezy, Carey, and MM for joining in. It was such fun! We were all flipping out at first because the page wasn't loading and we didn't know if maybe the wedding was just late, or if it wasn't working. I was about to cry, thinking I wouldn't get to see it live. Then, all of a sudden we could all see it. We talked about how beautiful Glow looked (just.gorgeous. The dress, the hair, the makeup. It was all perfect.) and how handsome Shawn was. We laughed, we cried, we drank champagne. Ok, well I was the only one drinking champagne, but I shared virtually. Buggy showed up late, but by that time, it had been archived, so those of us still in the chat watched it again while Buggy viewed for the first time. More discussion of the beautiful and glowing Glow, and how wonderful it all was. Jkokoj and Puffy also came late and watched the archive. I finished off my bottle of champagne. It was a fabulous time.
After everyone had left the chat session, I watched the archive again. Twice. I can't stop smiling, it was so great. The way that Shawn was smiling while saying his vows, and how Glow giggled at him, I think that is my favorite part. Or maybe my favorite part is when he asked what Glow's last name was, and she looked shocked for a moment and then said Gallagher! That was so cute. And she waved at us! Yay!

I wish all the love and happiness in the world to Gloria and Shawn. Thank you for letting us all share in your special day. I only wish I could've been there in person to give you both enormous hugs and kisses. But that will happen in 2 weeks at the reception. *jumps up and down*

Glow, I love you so much and am so happy that you have become such an important part of my life. I am overjoyed at the thought of you and Shawn being together for the rest of your lives. I love you, my sweet Glowie. *wipes away tears*

Hate filled

I am just absolutely filled with hate today. You know that fuckingfuckerheadfuck down there? Well, they've got some company today. There are about 3 people who I could just scream and yell and rant at. And if you know me, you know I am not the type to yell at people. I'm a doormat. Doormats don't yell. But I'm just so angry. At people on a computer!! This is ridiculous. I really need to stay away from the boards and blogs. I need a drink. And a cigarette. And a hug. I'm so angry that I'm about to cry. I wish I could get it out. I can't.

(Sorry guys, but don't even bother asking who these people are. I'd love to share and rant and get out some anger, but I'm also worried about them finding out. I don't want these people to know that I hate them. I like to hate from afar. Heh. And I also still maintain that some of these people are your friends. Or at least acquaintances.)

ETA- And of course I hate Rudy (don't we all?) so make that 4 people.

fuckingfuckerfuckhead

There is a person from OT that I am beginning to despise more and more every day. I can barely even stand them anymore. And the sad thing? they used to be a pretty cool person. I don't know what the fuck happened to turn them into such a self-righteous, argumentative piece of crap. I really wish I could go into a huge rant about them here, but I can't because some of you who read this might be friends with this person. *sigh* I hate being pissed off. It gives me a headache.

Um. Oops.

I didn't really mean to change my template. I just wanted to see what it looked like. *sigh*

lost in the woods

Tonight I'm freaking out again
Tonight I'm thinking so low
All I wanted was a friend
All I have got is no one
Tonight I'll sleep alone
I won't sleep at all
My heart isn't alive

Right now I'm sinking further down
Right now I'm breaking inside

My heart ripped from my chest
Too late? I hope not for this
My heart isn't alive

30 Seconds to Mars, baby!

See that ticket? Jared Leto touched it. And signed it. The wristband, too. *squeal*
All the bandmembers use those little symbols to sign things instead of writing out their names. Which is cool, but I wish Jared had signed his name. It had never even occurred to me that we would be able to meet them and have them sign stuff, but they went into the back of the club as soon as their set was done and had their merchandise for sale and were signing stuff. Glowie and I? were right at the front of the table, right in front of Jared! A fucking foot away from Jared Leto! Ahhhh! It turned into like a mob scene, people yelling and pushing, but we were able to stand there in front of him for like 5 minutes. Even though he had on scary kabuki makeup and his black eye-makeup was running all over his face, he was still gorgeous. Whenever you handed him something to sign, he would say "Thank you." Which was weird, because why is he thanking you for giving him something to sign, but it was also so cute. We hung around that table for quite some time. Heh. After we had our wristbands signed, we moved to the back of the crowd to let others up front, and we just stood in the back and watched him. Then, after the crowd had cleared out a bit, we moved closer again and I had him sign my ticket and I told Glowie to go shake his hand, which she did!! I'm bummed I didn't get to touch him, but it was still awesome.

The concert itself was good. The opening band (Halestorm) had this female singer with an amazing voice. She could really belt out some notes!
Then, after a fucking eternity, Jared took the stage. *sigh* He was wearing all white. During the second song, he went through the crowd and climbed up onto the VIP balcony, called some people over to catch him, and dove off the balcony! It was so effing cool. Then he crowd surfed back up to the stage. If only we had been in the middle instead of to the right we could've touched his ass. Or his dick. *grin* We didn't get as close to the stage as I had hoped, but we were still pretty close. It's standing room only, so it's hard to say how many "rows" back we were, but I would guess we were about 8 rows of people back. Damn tall people kept blocking my view, but I had a pretty good view of him most of the time. He came up and stood on our side a lot. He kept saying how much he loves Cleveland and how we're the best fans. Yeah, I know he says that everywhere, but it was nice to hear. And I believed him. He said something like "Obviously we fucking love Cleveland, seeing as how we've been here 4 times in the past 6 months." :) Heh. I didn't know they had been here that much. I only knew of one other time recently. He talked to the crowd a lot, which I love (even though he kept calling us mother fuckers. *snort* "I love you mother fuckers!") And it was so cute, a couple of times he would say "Is it ok if we play an old song now?" Awww. How sweet of him to check with us first, right? So cute. I think this is how their set list went. We couldn't remember last night. Heh.

1. A Beautiful Lie
2. Buddha for Mary (with balcony dive)
3. Capricorn
4. The Kill
5. Edge of the Earth
6. Battle of One
7. Attack

Attack and The Kill are my favorite songs, so I'm very happy that they played those. I wish they would've played more than 7 songs. I wish they would've played The Fantasy. But his balcony dive took up a lot of time, and they had technical difficulties at one point, so that took up some of their time too, I guess. *pout* It was great though.

We didn't hardly even see the main act, Seether, because we were still in the back of the club, sitting on a step by the table, hoping that Jared would come back. LOL. It was all good though. I was so hot and sweaty and it was nice and cool back there and you could still hear the music.

Once we found out that Jared had indeed left the building for good, we left. Apparently they went bowling after the show. *snort* If I would've had any fucking clue where they might have gone, I would've tried to find them. But I don't know of any bowling alleys in downtown Cleveland, and there are only about a million suburbs that they could have gone to. *shrug* So, we came back to my house, got drunk and stoned and watch Requiem for a Dream (fucking fantastic movie. If you haven't seen it, go get it. Now.) and half of Donnie Darko (starring my boyfriend, Jake).

Ok, this post is pretty long. I'll probably be adding stuff to it as I remember other things that he did. *grin*

Glowie! I love you! I'm so glad you had a good time! Thanks for not passing out and embarrassing me. *smirk* *big smooches*

Adam. Corolla. Adam. Corolla.

This past weekend I traveled to Pittsburgh to visit everyone's favorite Glow. It was a nice weekend. Relaxing and hanging out with Glowie and Shawn. Well, Shawn spent a lot of time upstairs (he thinks I smell) but when he was around it was nice hanging out with him. He cooked us this amazing dinner on Saturday night. It was like eleventeen courses. Salad, baked potato, stuffed mushrooms, broccoli and cauliflower, honey wheat rolls, fish and steak. I didn't eat the fish or mushrooms, which I felt bad about, but me no likey. Everything else was wonderful though. Especially the rolls. They are my new favorite thing. I'm going to tell my mom that if she doesn't get me these honey wheat rolls for Thanksgiving, I'm not coming!
We were considering going on a haunted hay ride that night, but decided against it. It was $10/person and the place looked a little skeevy. Heh. It just would've sucked to spend that much money and have it be lame. So instead we just hung around the house, watched movies and some episodes of My So-Called Life, and I helped Glowie do her reception invitations.
Sunday was very lazy. We woke up and Glowie cooked another fabulous meal. Scrambled eggs (without mushrooms for me), bacon, potato wedges, and english muffins. Mmm! We worked some more on the invitations and watched a Trading Spaces marathon on TLC. Oh. my. word. If I have to hear the commercial for the Adam Corolla Project ever again I think I may go completely ballistic. Let's see. I think we watched about 5 hours of TLC. So, say they take 4 commercial breaks every hour. They play the Adam Corolla Project commercial every time. So I had to hear "Adam. Corolla. Adam. Corolla." about 20 times. It may have even been more than that because they probably played it twice per break sometimes. Ugh. If you've never seen the commercial, then you don't know what I'm talking about, but trust me- it's the most annoying thing ever. Times 20.
Once I couldn't take any more TLC, and it was getting late, I headed home.

Thanks Glowie and Shawn for a great weekend. Love you, Glow! *smooch*

Oh, and this weekend she visits me. I will not be cooking fabulous meals and I have a tiny tv with no surround sound and only 70 channels. Hopefully Jared Leto will make up for my shortcomings. *grin*

Car update

I took my car in this morning and dropped it off. They gave me a loaner. I love the loaner. It is so nice to drive! I'm not used to 4 door cars, it felt so big and luxurious! *grin* And it's got a 6 disc cd changer and heated seats!

The top pic is my car (not my actual car, just a pic of one like it) It's a 2003 Acura RSX. And the bottom pic is my loaner car, a TSX:





So anyway, the problem with my car was an oxygen sensor that wasn't properly heating up. Or something like that. I don't remember what he said exactly. He had to order a part, so my car won't be ready until tomorrow. That's ok with me, I can drive my fancy loaner around tonight. *grin* Oh, and it is covered by my warranty. Phew! And! they are having customer appreciation this week, so I'm also getting a free 45 point inspection. Woot!

I'm so relieved. :)

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAREBEAR!!! I love you so much. Have a wonderful day.

Warning! Malfunction!

I was driving home from work today, and all of a sudden some weird indicator light that I have never seen before comes on in my car. It scared me. I didn't know if I should keep driving, or pull over and get out my owner's manual and see what the hell it was, or just ignore it. I figured even if I did pull over and it said that the light meant my car was about to blow up, there would be nothing I could do anyhow because I don't have a cell phone. And I was only about 10 minutes from home anyhow. So, I arrived home safely, after driving in a panic and looking down every 3 seonds to see if the light was still on. (It was.) I got out my owner's manual, and this is what it is:

Malfunction Indicator Lamp

This indicator should light when the ignition switch is ON and go out after the engine starts. If it comes on at any other time, it indicates one of the engine's emissions control systems may have a problem. It can reduce your fuel economy and cause your car to put out excessive emissions. Continued operation may cause serious damage.

Eek! I don't like that at all. So, I have to call up tomorrow and get an appointment to have it checked out. And several things better happen, or I will throw a fit.

1. They better have an appointment right away.
2. It better be easily and quickly fixed.
3. It better be done by this weekend so that I can go see Glowie.
4. It better be covered by my warranty and not cost me any money.

If I have to cancel another trip, I will go apeshit. If I believed in God, I would curse him right now. But I don't, so I won't. I'll just chalk this up to my shitass luck. *pout* *sigh*

Bye Bye Bunkers

Well, I did it. I got that ungrateful beast out of my life. No, not Carey. *grin* LMAO. Just kidding, Krazy. Mr. Bunkers has left the building. But really, he is going to a better place, so be happy for him. My boss' wife agreed to take him and let him live on their farm. They already have another bunny, so he will have a new friend. And they have 3 kids who will love him and play with him. Much better than living in a cage in my apartment and having me call him an asshole every day, doncha think? I do. I'm happy for him. And happy for me. :)

Shoulda stayed away

Well, today I was in a semi-good mood, so I thought I would play a little bit. I emailed with Glow and Carey like usual. I played quite a bit on the boards. That was all good. Then, I did what I shouldn't have. I visited blogs. And one of them upset me. Crying and driving don't mix well, fyi. I'm not going to say whose blog or what upset me, because I don't want that person to feel bad. And it wasn't even about what they were saying. It was just about me feeling jealous and wallowing in self-pity. *sigh* I think I'll go back into hiding now. At least from blogs. They don't make me feel good, and I don't need that right now.

Since I'm updating anyhow...

Today I visited a dermatologist for the first time. I've long suspected that I have rosacea and today's visit confirmed that. Rosacea is a chronic reddening of the face, for those who don't know. I got a prescription for some gel that is supposed to help. I hope it does.

I'm giving up on the on-line dating. I've already deleted one of my ads (the one I don't pay for) and I will be deleting the other one as soon as the month I've paid for is up. I have gotten a few replies, and some of them even seem like they might not be completely insane, but even if I might possibly be interested in the guy, I can't think of anything to say to them. My mind is a blank. So, they email me, I read them, and then I just don't do anything further. It's a waste of money and time and hope. I'm just not in the right frame of mind to start up new relationships, I guess. Do you believe that you have to love yourself before you can give love to someone else and have them love you? Well, I don't love myself at all. Not even close. I hate myself, so how can I expect someone else to love me? God, why can't I just accept the fact that I'm going to be alone forever? That would take so much pressure off of me. But I can't accept it. It's too terrifying and lonely and sad. Just like me. *sigh*

Break time

I think I'm taking a break from the computer. Maybe just for today, maybe for this week, maybe longer. I don't know. I need to concentrate on some "real life" things for awhile. I've let this box be the most important thing in my life for too long. I don't work anymore, I don't do things around the house, I don't do anything, and I'm sick of it. As frightening as it is, I think I just need to be alone with my thoughts for awhile. I need to straighten my life out. *sigh* This is going to be hard.

I'll miss you guys. *smooches and hugs*



(Subject to change. I'm weak. Heh.)

fuck, fuck, fuck

fuck.

I didn't get to go meet Syren and CSTL. I got the fucking stomach flu overnight and I spent almost the entire night in my bathroom vomiting and shitting. I still feel like crap. Just typing this is wearing me out. I'm so tired. Even though I've been in bed all morning and afternoon, I only get about an hour of sleep at a time before I have to head to the bathroom again. I haven't thrown up in awhile, but I still feel like I have to. I'm very nauseous and the diarrhea hasn't gone away at all. I seriously want to cry, but I don't think I have the energy. My whole body hurts. *sigh*

Glowie, Syren - I'm so sorry I ruined the trip.

Holy shopping spree

I hate to shop. I loathe it. I despise it. I abhor it. I detest it. It makes me sick to my stomach. Get the picture? Me no likey shoppy, especially for clothes. Consequently, I've been wearing the same 4 outfits for about 6 years now. That's only a small exaggeration. It's more like 6 outfits. Tonight I decided it was time to buy some new stuff. Winter's coming up and all of my sweaters are too small now, and my really fat clothes are also really ugly. More importantly my WV trip is coming up. I don't want to meet new people and feel all self conscious because of my scrubby, nasty clothes. I have enough other stuff to be self conscious of, thankyouverymuch. So, tonight I bit the bullet and set out to buy some stuff. Oh, did I mention in addition to my hatred of shopping, I also hate spending money? Hate.it. My little shopping spree? cost me $255. *faints* So much for not using my credit cards much anymore. But most everything I bought was on sale, so I feel like I got a fair amount for my money. Then again, I never shop, so what the hell do I know?

Here's what I got:

1 pair tan corduroys
1 brown zip-up sweater w/hood (30% off)
1 black/white sweater coat (30% off)(Ack! Just looked at the receipt, and it wasn't 30% off. This was the most expensive thing, but I love it.)
1 brown jacket/shirt thing (30% off)
1 pink long sleeved t-shirt (I really fucking hate pink, but the shirt was so cute and they didn't have my size in the blue)
1 black long sleeved shirt (50% off)
1 pair pajama pants (50% off, Napoleon Dynamite! HA!)
2 pair brown shoes (buy one, get one 50% off)
3 pair brown socks with blue polka dots

I think that's all. Not bad, huh? (Even if it is bad, please lie to me so that I don't return everything.)

On the bright side: NO MORE SHOPPING FOR 8 YEARS!!! WOOT! *grin*

My poor neglected blog

I haven't had much to say lately. But here's a quickie update for anyone who cares. :)

Today is my Tater's 3rd birthday! I can't believe he's so big. *sniff* He's all grown up and stuff. *sniff* He's talking so much these days, just a little chatterbox. *sniff* I watched him this past weekend and we were just sitting around playing when all of a sudden he came up to me and gave me a kiss and hug and said "I wuv you so much, Jen." *sob* He doesn't call me Aunt Jen anymore, just Jen. :( His birthday party is on Saturday. It's a Thomas the Tank Engine Party. He's obsessed with trains and cars and such. I? haven't even bought his presents yet. Yes, it's Thursday and the party is Saturday and I have no presents. Ack! I have to wait until tomorrow, pay day. I really, really hope that they have some cool stuff at WalMart or Target tomorrow night. Otherwise, I'm SOL. Or should I say Tate is SOL. *snort*

I've had a wicked sore throat since Sunday. Thankfully, it hasn't turned into a full blown cold, but man does it hurt! And I sound like a dying frog. On the bright side, I haven't smoked or drank (drunk? drinken?) all week. *cough hack cough*

Next weekend Glow and I are going down to West Virginia to have a peep meet with Syren and CSTL. Yay! I can't believe it's next weekend. I have so much shit to do! Ack! I really hate being a procrastinator sometimes, but I don't see myself changing anytime soon. Obviously. Heh.

I think that's all for now. I'm off to pay some bills so I can see how much money I'm going to have for prezzies and the trip. If any. Eek! *bites fingernails*

If.....

If I make it to 30, I'll be amazed.

The worst day of my life

I originally wrote this back in May, but I'm moving it here because this is where it belongs.

Sunday, September 14, 1997

2 days before my 17th birthday.
My mom is out of town. I don’t remember where or why.
My sister is in Chicago. A Blockbuster meeting. She was a store manager.
It’s just me and my dad.
"Can we order a pizza?" I say.
"Sure."
We order from Marco’s.
To this day, I can’t see a Marco’s menu without remembering.
"Can I have some friends over for my birthday on Tuesday?"
"Sure."

He talks on the phone to my mom. "I love you" he says, as he hangs up.
He talks on the phone to my sister. "I love you" he says, as he hangs up.
He talked to a few other people.
Who? I don’t exactly remember.
I do remember that he said "I love you."
It was odd.
Him saying that… it was odd.
I should have known.
"Hey. Since mom’s gone, can I park my car in the garage?"
"No. I have to do some work on my car tonight." He says.
"Tonight?" It’s like 10 o’clock.
I think it’s odd, but I don’t say anything.
I should have known.

I walk up the stairs, to bed.
"You heading up?" he says.
"Yeah." I say.
"Goodnight."
"’Night."
The last words.

Monday, September 15, 1997

I wake up.
I smell something funny, but dismiss it.
I shower and get ready for school.
I go to leave.
There’s a note on the door.
"I spilled some oil and gas in the garage. Use the front door."
My heart sinks.
I know.

I race upstairs.
To their bedroom.
A pillow lies in his place.
To disguise.
I know.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m all alone.
I’m in shock.
I drive to school.
Meet my friend at her locker, as usual.
"It’s my dad. He’s dead." I say.
She doesn’t understand.
She walks with me to the office.
"My dad. He killed himself. I know."
They look at me, in shock.
They call the police.
I sit in the office.
I’m all alone.
After an eternity, the principal comes in.
"Jennifer, I’m sorry to tell you…
your fears were correct."
I break down.
I don’t know what to do.
I’m all alone.

Later that day, I’m back at the house.
My mom returns.
"What happened here? What happened this weekend?"
She sobs.
I don’t know what to say.
I should have known.
My sister returns.
My mom and her embrace.
I’m on the outside.
Still in shock.
I don’t know what to do.

The next days are a blur.
I don’t remember much.
"Oh god. Today’s your birthday." My mom says.
I don’t care.

The weeks float by.
They are angry.
"How could he do this?" They say.
I’m not angry.
I understand.
We’re so much alike, he and I.
The same sense of humor, the same perfectionist nature.
The same disease, the same depression.
The same suicidal tendencies.
I understand him.
In a way they don’t…
and never will.

If I had known…
Would I have stopped him?
My mind says Yes.
My heart says No.
I know what he was going through.
The desperation, the despair.
Nothing is ever going to get better.
I’m better off dead.
At least then the pain will stop.

I’m not angry with him, I understand him.
But something keeps me weeping to this day…
He never told me he loved me
And I never told him either.

TGIF

*Bbbrrrrrriiing*

*picks up phone*

"[work name here]. This is John."

Hm. That's not right, now is it? It just came out of my mouth and then I was all WTF? Luckily it was no one important on the other end, and we had a good laugh.

Is it the weekend yet?

*pout*

Yeah, so, I think Iraq guy is blowing me off. I wrote him an email on Tuesday morning and he has yet to respond, even though he's been online every day since. Whatever. No one new has responded to my ad either. It's just as I predicted, and feared, no one is interested in me. I'll leave my ad up uptil my subscription runs out, but then its gone. *sigh*

In other news, I dyed my hair last night. I've been dying it a lighter brown for quite some time now, but I decided that I would like to try and go back to my natural color, which is dark brown. So obviously, I bought a color called "Dark Brown". No fancy misleading names like "Mocha Latte" or "Honey Chestnut" or "#25". I couldn't mess this up, right? Pfffft. I now look like a vampire. Pale face, almost BLACK hair. It's really dark. Maybe I'll get used to it, but for now? I'm not diggin' it.

Heading out to my mom's house for a holiday get together today. Nothing special, just cooking up some burgers on the grill and playing with Tate. Then later we'll play some cards or something. I'll probably drown my boy and hair sorrows in a fair amount of alcohol.

Hope you're all having a great holiday weekend! To end on a positive note, Yay for Mondays off!! Woooo!

Time for an update, yes?

First, some random comments about my weekend at the lake house.

1. My Uncle Dave frickin rocks.
2. 40 mph winds make it nice and cool, but not a good environment for playing cards.
3. Drinking 100 proof vodka and then smoking almost an entire joint of strong weed is not the smartest move.
4. Throwing up for over an hour does not frickin rock.
5. If you've emptied the entire contents of your stomach except for some berry Tums and water, it actually makes the vomit taste rather pleasant. Mmm... strawberry.
6. My mom thinks it was just the vodka that made me sick, and so now thinks I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, which makes me laugh.
7. My uncle and his friend found it amusing too, and so they kept up my cover by making jokes about my alcohol limitations.
8. Throwing up is sometimes a good thing, because the next day you feel much better and are free to resume drinking and smoking weed.
9. Fish tanks are fascinating when you're stoned.
10. I want to go back next weekend, but don't think I'll be able to afford the gas and tolls. *pout*

For those of you wondering how the online dating is going, it's not too bad. I've received several replies to my ad.
-One weirdo 53 year old, ummm I have 25-30 as my age range, dood.
-A few guys that I don't really think I'm interested in.
-1 nice guy, who I think I will email with for a bit. He's over in Iraq right now. He seems like a good guy, and Glow thinks I should marry him. Heh.
-1 guy that I'm really interested in, so I sent him an email but I haven't received a response yet.

Oh, and if you've noticed and/or wondered about my absence on the boards, it's only because I look at personals all day now instead of looking at the boards. I'm still around though.

*runs to check personals inbox*

I'm so vain

Just so you know, this post will be gone tomorrow. I'm just looking to get some feedback from a few people, and this was the easiest way to do it. I am going to delete this post once I have my feedback. Heh.

For those of you who might see this before I delete it and are wondering why I have posted a ton of pics of myself, I am going to be entering the world of online dating soon and I need a semi-decent recent pic of myself. I hate every pic of me, I am terribly un-photogenic. My mom and I took like 40 pics of me over the past few days. Here are the finalists. Please tell me which 2 you like best, and out of those 2, which one is your fav. I have my 2 favs, but I would like to hear other opinions. Thanks in advance. :)

I'm not sure how these are gonna line up, so I didn't number them or anything. Sorry.


EDIT- To remove pics. Thanks again for all your input. *smooches* for everyone! I'm sure I will be putting some updates here on what kind of freaks respond to my ad. :D

Everyone else is doing it...

1. What is your first name?

Jen

2. Were you named after anyone?

Newp, not as far as I know. My dad wanted to name me Samantha, but that really wouldn't go well with my last name, so my mom vetoed it. Phew!

3. Do you wish on stars?

Yes, I do. I love stars.

4. When did you last cry?

Umm, I think Tuesday. It was not a good day.

5. Do you like your handwriting?

Usually. Sometimes it looks too childish to me.

6. What is your favorite lunch meat?

I'd have to go with bologna. Or turkey.

7. What is your most embarrassing CD?

I wish I had my cd case here. The first one that I thought of was Simply Red's Greatest Hits. Who knew they had more than 2? LOL. But I love one of them, which is why I bought the cd. There are probably other embarrassing ones that I'm just not thinking of. Or I've blocked them from my memory.

8. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?

That depends on what I would be like if I wasn't me. If I was a person like me, then I would be friends with me. Got that?

9. Do you have a journal?

Isn't that what this is?

10. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Umm, gee, I don't know. *rolls eyes*

11. What are your nicknames?

RL nicknames? My sister calls me Rosy sometimes because of my red face. Isn't she nice?
Online nicknames? Star, Stah, AgStah, BeautifulStar, Aggie (*glare*)

12. Would you bungee jump?

If it were over deep water, possibly. Most likely no.

13. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?

Newp.

14. Do you think that you are strong?

Physically? not really. Mentally? I guess a little. To have been depressed for as long as I have and still be functioning must take some sort of strength.

15. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

I don't really like ice cream, but when I do crave it, it has to have some combo of chocolate and peanut butter.

16. Shoe Size?

8 or 8.5, depending on the shoe.

17. Red or pink?

Neither. I'm not a pink type girl and I've always hated red for some reason.

18. What is your least favorite thing about yourself?

That I have so many least favorite things about myself. (I stole this answer from Ig because I like it so much. It fits perfectly.)

19. Who do you miss most?

My dad.

20. Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?

Eh?

21. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?

Jeans, medium darkness. Brown Skechers sandals.

22. What are you listening to right now?

Radio on AOL, Extreme Alternative Rock channel. Current song is Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. Oops, song just changed. Now its Remedy by Seether.

23. Last thing you ate?

A sour Jolly Rancher. For breakfast I had Special K wheat pancakes.

24. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Black.

25. What is the weather like right now?

*checks weather.com*
87, with 56% humidity, which gives a heat index of 91.

26. Last person you talked to on the phone?

My boss. He dictated an extremely long email for me to type up. Too bad I don't know shorthand.

27. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

Hm. I dunno. Smile, maybe. Or their hair. I like spiky hair. NO LONG HAIR ON GUYS!!

28. Do you like the person who sent this to you?

I like who I stole it from, which is pretty much everyone at this point.

29. Favorite Drink?

Non alco: Sprite, or Diet Pepsi
Alco: Long Island Iced Tea

30. Favorite Sport?

Ew. Sports.

31. Hair Color?

Medium-Dark brown

32. Eye Color?

Blue

33. Do you wear contacts?

No. Thanks to my Lasik surgery I don't need them anymore. Yay Lasik!!

34. Favorite Food?

Pizza. Mmmm. Pizza.

35. Last Movie You Watched?

Runaway Jury, on dvd.

36. Favorite Day Of The Year?

4th of July? or maybe Tate's b-day. I'm not sure.

37. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

I like both, but probably happy endings more.

38. Summer or Winter?

I tried to give you summer, but I'm winter. Wish I could make you spring, but I fall so hard.

Ok. Don't know where that came from (an Alien Ant Farm song, but I'm not sure why I thought of it.) I like fall.

39. Hugs or Kisses?

Kisses

40. What Is Your Favorite Dessert?

Banana cream pie from Max & Erma's. I love it! Or cheesecake.

41. Who Is Most Likely To do this Meme?

Pfft. Everyone already has.

42. Who Is Least Likely To do this Meme and comment?

Someone who hasn't already.

43. What Books Are You Reading?

I just went to the library last night and got a bunch of books. I've started reading 2 already. Zero, the biography of a dangerous idea (for the OT book club) and Little Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner. I also got Farenheit 451, one about Letters to Sam or something, and one other one that I can remember, but it was an author that Breezy mentioned recently. Oh, I think it's called Playing with Boys. Or something like that.

44. What's On Your Mouse Pad?

My one here at work is really cool. It's black, with a chinese symbol on it that stands for peace.

45. What Did You Watch Last night on TV?

The episode of Lost that I had taped, Hooking Up, and Starved. I don't think I like Starved. I gave it a second chance last night, but I still don't like it.

46. Favorite Smells?

Lavender, and Eucalyptus Spearmint from Bath and Body Works. Mmmm.

47. Favorite Sounds?

Tate's laugh, rain and thunder.

48. Rolling Stones or Beatles?

I don't listen to either.

49. What's the furthest you've been from home?

Florida. We took a family vacation there a while ago. I didn't really like it. Too many yucky bugs.

50. Do you have a special talent?

Not that I'm aware of.

51. What is your ring tone?

Geez. Not everyone on earth has a cell phone. I'm one of the 3 left who don't.

*knock knock*

Who's there?

I don't know, because I didn't answer. No one ever knocks on my door. My first thought was that cutie fire boy had tracked me down and was coming to ask me out. It's scary how deluded I am, isn't it? Then my second thought, and the one that is probably the truth, is that it was someone trying to sell me something. Little do they know, I'm flat fucking broke. I've lived here over 2 years, and only twice can I recall someone knocking on my door when I wasn't expecting it. The first time was a magazine salesman, the second was a wrong apartment.

I didn't answer because I was in my pjs. That's the first thing I do when I get home, I put on my pjs. Good gawd I'm pathetic. I mean, someone knocking on my door is a blogworthy event to me. How much more boring can you get?? Oh, and also I'm highly anti-social and I don't want to talk to whoever it was.

Anyway, I choose to revel in my delusions, and so I have put on capris instead of my pj pants, just in case cutie fire boy comes a tap-tap-tapping again. *snort*

When September Ends

Isn't it amazing how sometimes you can hear a song a million times, and maybe you even sing along with it, but you never actually hear the words? Until one day when you're sitting still enough to actually listen to it, and it takes your breath away, because it echos your feelings and emotions, and your life...

Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my fathers come to pass
seven years have gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my father's come to pass
twenty years have gone so fast
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends
wake me up when september ends

Update: Week One

Eh. Today was weigh-in day. I lost 3 pounds. I'm not too thrilled with that, because I know that typically the first week of a diet I put up big numbers. Even if it is all water weight, it's nice to be able to say "I lost 9 pounds!" and it gets you pumped, and hopeful that you will be able to do it. But I'm trying to remember what Monsty said. "Celebrate progress, not perfection." And yes, I do have that phrase hanging on my fridge now.

However, I do think I know why I didn't lose as much weight as I normally do. I wasn't following the diet properly, like I did before. I haven't been eating breakfast. I hate eating first thing in the morning. Not only am I never hungry, but it also means waking up 20 minutes earlier. I cherish my sleep, I don't wanna get up earlier!! [/whine] Plus, I didn't have any breakfast foods in my house that were quick and easy to grab. I have to go to the grocery tonight or tomorrow, and we'll see if adding breakfast makes any difference.

Now, for the things I did good this week:
No fast food. Yay! Though I'm craving it something fierce.
No cigarettes. Yay! I crave them occasionally, but haven't even considered buying a pack.
On WW, you get 35 "extra" points per week to use as you wish. I had 16 left over. I thought that was pretty good.

Umm, that's pretty much it. I still drank way too much (though I did keep it within the limits of my diet).

On with Week Two...

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

My life cannot continue on this way. I've got to do something about the things that bother me, or I don't know how much longer I can last.

First up to bat, the thing that bothers me most - my weight. I've started on Weight Watchers again. It did work for me first time around. I lost 20 pounds and I've kept 15 of them off. I need to get back into the swing of eating better, and then after that I need to work out more. I'm sorry, did I say more? That would imply that I actually work out at all now, which I don't.

Secondly, no more smoking. At least for awhile. The fact that I smoke doesn't really bother me, I think it's just more of a control thing. I need to know that I can quit if I really put my mind to it. Today? I had to go to the dreaded gas station, with their taunting neon lights, but I didn't buy a pack, didn't even want to. Well, not much. *grin* But I resisted.

I'm also going to try and cut down on the drinking, mostly because I can't afford to give up the calories.

I've also been contemplating cutting out the emailing from work, but sheesh- I'm already giving up fast food and cigarettes. Baby steps. *grin*

If I lose some weight, I just know that I would feel better about myself and I would be more self-confident and much more apt to get out and look for a new job or make some new friends. And hopefully, find a boyfriend. *sigh*

I know that all of my problems stem from me being overweight. Self-esteem, self-worth, enthusiasm, confidence, energy-- they are all at practically zero right now. Maybe 1 on a good day. It can't continue. It just can't.

Picture Time!

I finally got the pictures from 4th of July developed. I need a digital camera. Scanning all these in sucked on a stick. *grin* They are too dark, but this has taken me forever and I didn't feel like fixing them. I hope they are at least somewhat visible. I.hate.my.computer.

Here are Tate & Ari wearing Amy's and my sunglasses. Awww!


Amy & Tate at the swing. Ready?... Set?...


GO! (but don't kick Aunt Jen in the face, please)


The yard, where everyone was playing another rousing edition of "The Washer Game" *rolls eyes*


The view from our dock...


*sigh* There is always a gorgeous sunset at the lake...

I just stole

a cigarette from my mom. *sigh* I feel like such a child, sneaking cigarettes. But I really want one, and I don't want to buy a whole pack because then I will smoke them all.

I told Carey the other night that I was trying to quit smoking and she said "Why on earth would you do that?" Ha. I laughed at the time, but you know what? I had no answer. I don't know why. It's not my health, my parents smoked for years around me, I figure if I'm going to get lung cancer I'd already have it, right? (I know this is not true, but I'm just not concerned about it. It's a thing of chance. People who smoke 5 packs a day might not get it, while someone else might get it just from secondhand smoke.) It's not the money, well at least not right now. I have about a 1-2 pack a week habit. $7 a week isn't so bad. I realize that it could be a problem down the road if I start smoking more, but I'm not worried about that right now either.
I think they only reason that I feel I should stop is because I don't want my sister or mom to know that I do it. My mom knows I smoke occasionally, but my sister doesn't know at all. Should I really stop doing something just because others don't want me to? Maybe.

So, the way I see it, I have 3 options right now.
1. Put the stolen cigarette back. I don't need to smoke.
2. Smoke the stolen cigarette on my way home. One won't hurt, right?
3. Put the stolen cigarette back and buy a pack on my way home. Fuck it. If I want to smoke, then I should.

Decisions, decisions. What Would Brian Boitano Do?

I've made a new phrase!!!

My mom said to me, "You have to get this project done by tomorrow, you know." To which I said "Well that sucks on a stick." Whut?

I don't know where it came from, but I like it and I will now use it all the time. Feel free to use it yourself, but if someone laughs you must give me proper credit. If they don't laugh, I had nothing to do with it. *grin*



PS- on a totally unrelated note, this has got me laughing like a moron. I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I'm having a hard time controlling my laughter.

From the Average Joe forum:

Bebo 13308 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
07-06-05, 10:02 PM (EST)
6. "RE: NO WAY"

Don't bash another poster. If she wants to bash contestants and wish fire ants upon them, that is allowed on these forums. But you making it personal is not. Please read our community guidelines.

I want to help, but how?

I hate it when my friends fight. I hate it when anyone fights. When I was a kid, my mom and sister would fight a lot. They'd be in the kitchen screaming at each other, and I'd be in the living room crying. I always feel like I need to fix it, I need to help. But how? I don't know. And I don't want to butt in. If they wanted my help, they'd ask for it, right? And what makes me think that I could help anyhow? I don't know why they are fighting. I mean, I know... but I don't know, ya know? I don't know how to make it better, and I so wish I could. I don't want them to fight. They are both so upset, and I hate seeing my friends upset. I love them and I want them to be happy, or at least not miserable.

*sigh*

Tonight, on That 70's Show there was some advice given-- You just have to forgive. There may not be a reasonable explanation, but if you love the person and you want them in your life, you just have to forgive them and move on.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Maybe it is. Or maybe that's just cliched sitcom bullshit. But most cliche's do have some truth behind them.

I don't know.

XTREME! Fireworks

This weekend I journeyed to my family's lake house. Well, I used to consider it my family's lake house, but ever since my uncle moved up there full time it's more like my uncle's house where my family sometimes goes. I haven't been up there for about 5-6 years, but as a child we were up there all the time. It's a little place in Indiana, on the borders of Ohio, Michigan and Indiana. Lake George is the name. I was very excited about heading back there because it's probably my favorite place in the whole world, but also a little apprehensive because from what my sister told me of her last visit, it has pretty much become a place for all my uncle's buddies to hang out and not a family place anymore.

I left on Saturday at about noon, driving my mom's huge honkin' Explorer because the bastards at the BMV didn't send me my registration renewal stickers in time. (They came today. Phew!) It takes about 2.5 hours to get there, but there was a 1/2 hour backup because of all the holiday traffic on the toll road, so I arrived at 3, which is actually 2 Indiana time. It's nice to gain an hour going, but it sure sucks going home.

I was instantly amazed at all the renovations my uncle has made. There is a whole brand new garage and the building that used to be the garage/barn has been transformed into a cute little guest house. He built an awesome deck that goes halfway around the house and is the new hang out spot. We all used to chill in the front yard by the lake, but now the deck is where it's at. Even the lake looked different, and the trees. Everything was changed, but somehow still welcomingly familiar.

I immediately started drinking, and we just sat around the deck and hung out. By the end of Saturday there was 17 people there.
Me.
Amy, Brian and Tate.
My mom and her boyfriend Gary.
My uncle Dave, the owner. He reminds me so much of my Dad. Looks-wise and personality. He's so much fun. He always cracks me up.
My cousin Amanda and her 4 year old daughter Ari (short for Ariana).
My cousin Matt, his wife Angie, and their 1 year old daughter Marisha.
My cousin Michael, I think he's 21, who I haven't seen since he was a kid. We used to pick on him so bad. Heh. I liked it though, because for once I wasn't the youngest one when we were kids and I could finally get in on some torture. *grin*
My uncle Mike and 3 of his friends (who I barely even saw because they were hanging out on the lawn and they left on Sunday morning before we were even up-- what a bunch of old farts.)
It was a full house! We were joking that it was like a family reunion, which it was. It was so nice to have everyone together again. I've always felt so much more comfortable with my dad's side of the family. They are so much fun and so much more laid back than my mom's side.

So, Saturday was spent drinking and watching everyone play "The Washer Game", which consists of setting up two boxes about 10 feet apart and trying to throw washers in them. Heh. I only played once, a) because I sucked at it and b) I didn't get why everyone thought it was the best game ever invented. LOL. We also ate a ton. Everyone had brought a bunch of food. We had a cooler full of 40 pounds of meat... and I'm not exaggerating.

Then at night we took the pontoon boat out to watch the fireworks show. They set up like a little barge on the lake and have all the fireworks strapped to it. Of course my uncle feels he has to get as close as possible. LOL. We were probably 200 feet from this boat and the fireworks were exploding right over our heads. I swear some of them would have come right on the boat. The current kept pulling us closer to the barge, which was of course on fire, and my uncle had to keep backing up. A police boat actually came and parked right in front of us so we couldn't get any closer. LOL. It was good though, because the show itself was a little boring, so we needed to be right on the edge of catching on fire to spice it up. *grin* It was XTREME! baby!

Sunday was more of the same. Relaxing, eating, drinking, playing games. We went swimming, which I haven't done in a looooong time. It was fun though. Tate loved it, even when he would get a face full of water, he wasn't scared. He's so cute. My mom was being annoying as usual and spazzing out any time I would get more than 2 inches from him. Nevermind the fact that he was wearing a life jacket and the water was only up to his waist. *rolls eyes* We went for another pontoon ride that night and Brian and Michael fished. Mikey caught a gar, which is a huge skeery fish with a lot of teeth. He went back in the lake. Brian didn't catch anything.
Mom and Gary had left earlier in the day and Amy, Brian, and Tate left that night. Mikey, Matt and I started watching South Park: The Movie. Damn, that movie is fucking hilarious when you're drunk off your ass. *grin* Then Angie, Amanda, Mikey and I played Uno until the wee hours. Mikey kept making me draw four and so I started kicking him and calling him a turd. *snort*

Monday was spent lazing around the house. I was exhausted from too much drinking and not enough sleep and I wasn't looking forward to driving home. And it was HOT! I think it was about 90, which felt ok sitting on the deck with the breeze, but as soon as I started to pack my shit up I was sweating buckets. I put off leaving as long as I could. I didn't want to go. I could have stayed up there another week. Said my goodbyes to Uncle Dave and Mikey, everyone else had already left, and I was off.

I really hope to get back up there this summer. I love it there. I think it's my favorite place in the whole world. I took some pics, which I might try to post once I get them developed.

Fooling myself

Ya know, all these years I've been telling myself that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I'm fat and ugly. Sometimes I have a good day and only blame it on being fat, and I tell myself that I have a pretty face. I tell myself that if they would just get to know me on the inside, they would see that I'm a good person. A nice person. A fun person.
But that's not true.
I'm not a good person. Or a nice person. Or a fun person. I'm a miserable, mean person. I have awful character traits that nobody wants.
I'm bitchy
I whine too much
I'm jealous
I'm selfish
I'm not intelligent (I wouldn't say I'm dumb, because that's not true, but I'm not intelligent)
I'm lazy (really, really fucking lazy)
I'm un-motivated (to do anything... look for a new job, go back to school, make new friends, even clean my apartment)
I'm depressed and sullen
I have low self-esteem
I'm not independent
I'm not adventure seeking
I'm not spontaneous
I'm a fucking emotional cripple who cries at everything
I'm not strong-minded or strong-willed
I let people walk all over me, and rarely tell them how I really feel
I'm pessimistic and I see the bad in everything
I could go on...

All these years, I've been fooling myself. Telling myself that people should like me, guys should like me, if only they would get to know me. What a fucking joke. I've always known that I hate myself, and I won't be fooled any longer.

Shady dealings at The Gravel Pit

So, my boss is a total scatterbrain. He left the office yesterday without taking his laptop, palm pilot and tickets to a baseball game that he's going to tonight with some customers. He calls up at 5:00 and asks if one of us could meet him somewhere and bring these things to him. My mom still had a bunch of loose ends to tie up at work, so I offered to go. Plus, I get to leave work a 1/2 hour early. Woo!

"Where is he at?" I asked.

"He's at The Gravel Pit down by the highway."

Umm. Ok. In my mind I'm picturing a gay biker bar and wondering what my boss is doing there, but alas it is actually just a pit full of gravel. *grin*

"Oh, and have him sign this check for the cleaning ladies. They're coming tomorrow."

No problem. So, I drive to said gravel pit, hop out of my car, and present the check to my boss for him to sign. He does and then I hand him his briefcase. We both start laughing at the shadiness of this and he says "Gee, I hope there aren't surveillance cameras here. It looks like we're making a drug deal."

I expect the cops to be bursting down my door at any moment. And I didn't even get any drugs out of it. What a rip.

Woot!!

I am going to see my Glowie again this weekend! I'm so fricking excited! We're going to get gelatis and drink cocktails and I don't know what else. But it won't matter because she rocks, the Glow.

You may all envy me now. *grin*

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm addicted

I'm finally ready to admit it. I have an addiction that will probably end up killing me and it's horrible and disgusting, but I can't help myself. No matter how many times I say "Ok, this is the last time" I still go back to it. I am sick.

*stands up* My name is Jen, and I'm addicted to fast food.

This addiction is probably the main reason I am so insanely overweight (along with family genes) but I just can't stop. And yes, I have seen 'Supersize Me'. I know what horrible things this does to your body and how many preservatives and artificial crap is in the food, but I still crave it. All the time.
It's like smokers who see pictures of blackened lungs and see people dying of lung cancer every day and they know it's awful for them, but they still do it.
That's me, only with McDonalds instead of Marlboros.

*sigh*