Drugs, Take 2 & My new favorite show

I just had my follow-up visit with the doctor. I told her that the Zoloft was not helping at all, and for the most part actually making things worse. I'm pretty much a zombie these days (and not a cool, hilarious zombie like Zombs). I spend a lot of time staring off into space, and I just feel sort of numb. So anyway, she gave me a new medicine to try. I hope I don't have a lot of side effects with this one, and I hope it actually works.

On a completely unrelated note, do any of you watch the show "It Takes A Thief"? OMG, I found this show several weeks ago and I am completely obsessed with it now. It's on the Discovery Channel, and it's these 2 guys who used to be burglars, Matt is the host and Jon does the actual break-ins, and they go around and rob people's homes (with their permission, of course) and then afterwards they give them brand new security systems and stuff. I am fascinated by this. I actually root for the burglar! LOL. He is awesome though. He just pulls some stunts where you're like "No way did he just do that!" 2 of my favorite examples of this are 1) when he broke into a police station and actually ended up locking the dispatcher out of the building, and 2) when he stole a Jaguar with the owners about 100 feet away. He's such a badass. *grin*
Oh, and did I mention that they are both super hot? Not that that has anything to do with why I watch the show. *cough*





Matt (left) and Jon. Not the best pic, but the only decent one I could find of them together.





I am in lurve with Matt. He's really funny on the show, and last week I found his blog where he writes quite frequently. He just seems like a really cool, smart, fun guy, and he is a very talented writer as well.

Ok, since I've rambled on I might as well go a step further. Heh. On his blog he just posted a pic of him and his brand new nephew. (I whited out baby's face. heh.)














Super, super cute. *sigh* What is it about men and babies that makes me all gushy? Anyway, I posted a comment to his blog and I said "My ovaries just melted." *snort* I thought it was funny, but after I posted it I thought maybe it was gross or weird. What do you think? Do you have to know my stupid sense of humor to think it's funny?

In closing, I highly recommend that you watch this show. It is on daily at 6pm eastern. I've actually started taping it because I don't get home until around 6:10 and I hate to miss any of it. :)

*giggle*

My boss gave me this card and I thought it was cute, so I decided to share it with you guys. :)




















He took us out for a yummy lunch too. I was skeptical at first because we went to this Italian place in a strip mall. Yes, I said strip mall. Heh. But inside it was really nice and they had a wide variety of food; pasta, seafood, chicken, pizza, burgers, etc. I stepped outside of my burger comfort zone and ordered Chicken Saltimbucca. It is "chicken layered with prosciutto and asiago cheese, sauteed and then braised in white wine and sprinkled with sage. Served with a side of spaghetti." I was a little hesitant to try it at first because it had this ugly brown sauce drizzled all over it (uh. shouldn't white wine be white?) and the first bite wasn't too good, but the more I ate the more I got used to it. The spaghetti was good. :) Then we ordered dessert. Mmmm. There was a choice of several different cheesecakes (cheesepies, as I like to call them) which is usually what I would have gone for, but I was feeling daring today so I ordered something I have always wanted to try. Creme brulee. Mmmm. It was very yummy. I scarfed the whole thing down in no time. *grin* I always thought creme brulee was a warm dessert (I guess because I've seen people using the blowtorch on it) so I was surprised and pleased when I bit in and it was slightly chilled. Me likey creme brulee. *grin*

Archives

Tonight I was looking for a meme that I had done a long time ago, but I got sidetracked by reading a bunch of my old archives. They made me sad. (sadder.) I used to blog about much more fun/lighthearted stuff... not about how depressed I am. Reading some of my archives was like reading the writings of a totally different person. I guess I hid my depression better back in the day. Or I'm just really at a low point now. This medicine is not helping . Yet. I know it takes a while for it to take full effect, but for the most part on a daily basis it is making me feel worse. I've missed 3 days of work since I stared this medicine 10 days ago. I just couldn't get out of bed. I sit in a numb, lifeless state and am so exhausted that I can barely move.
Ugh. Fuck! There I go again, rambling about my depression. I hate being like this.

I thank all of you who have continued reading and supporting me through this dark period of my life. I hope I can be a happier and more interesting person in the future. I know that it can be tiring to read such doom and gloom over and over again. Believe me, it's tiring for me to write it, but I feel like it's better to get it off my chest rather than hold it all inside like I've done for most of my life. This blog is my outlet. In here, I write what I don't say out loud. I never dreamed when I made it public that I would share so much personal stuff, but I have become comfortable enough with all of you to share what I am truly feeling. I think sometimes it would be better if I just pretended to be happy. *shrug*

Anyway, I want to wish you all Happy Holidays, in case I'm not around. I love you all!
*hugs*

Good day

Today was the first really good day I've had in several weeks. I've been so depressed and tired lately. I went to the doctor last week and got some meds, but they have been giving me some awful side effects and I've just been really down and out. But today I woke up feeling pretty good. Maybe it was because I knew I had something to look forward to. Me and my friend Tracy had plans to go out and do some final Christmas shopping, and then go to dinner.

She came over around 5 and gave me a gift (even though we said we weren't exchanging gifts *whacks Tracy*). She got me some Peppermint martini mix and a bottle of vodka and a pear scented candle. I mixed up a martini before we left so we could see what it tasted like. Pretty good. Not something you can drink a lot of, but it was good. So off we went to the mall, where we hit several stores. I had more luck finding stuff than Tracy did, mostly because I knew exactly what I was looking for and she didn't. Considering how much I absolutely loathe the mall, it wasn't too bad. There was a ton of people, but overall it was ok.
Then we went to Target where I spent a bunch of money on the rest of the gifts I needed. Tracy still hadn't found a gift for her dad, so she wanted to go to Borders, where she got him a book on the Steelers *waves to Glow*.
After our whirlwind shopping spree we were both starving so we went to Applebees. I had a quesadilla burger and a huge glass of sangria. Yummy. That was the first time I've actually had sangria.

And now I'm at home, relaxing, about to watch season 1 of The Office on dvd. I feel very relieved that I have all of my Christmas shopping done (except for a few gift cards I have to buy when I go to the grocery store next week) and I feel good about the gifts I bought everyone. Because of the bonus money I got last month I was able to buy more for people than I usually do and that feels good.

Tomorrow I think I'll just be hanging around the house, wrapping presents and resting. Oh, and I have to burn a couple cds that Tracy asked me for.

I hope you're all having a good weekend! *smooches*

Holy brain fart

I had to stop and get gas on the way home. The most convenient station is really tiny and kind of hard to navigate if it's crowded, which it was. So, I pulled in and took a quick trip around the lot to scope out my options, and then I pulled up to a pump. I went to get out and realized that I had pulled up on the wrong side. Uh, duh. I think that's the first time I've ever done that. It's usually 2nd nature to realize that my gas door is on the driver's side. I didn't think the hose would reach, so I pulled out and took another trip around the lot, looking for open pumps that would be on the right side. Oh! There's one! But the turn is too tight and I can't make it, so I have to reverse and try to manuever into it. Pull up to the pump. Wrong Fucking Side Again. WTF?? I swear someone must have sucked my brains out without my knowledge. By this time I was mortified that I was circling this lot like a moron and pulling up to the wrong pumps, so I just left and went to a gas station down the street. LOL. What a fucking dork. :D
*waits for other people to tell me they've done this, so I don't feel like a complete loser*

Oh, and then when I was pulling on to my street I noticed that this little beverage store at the corner where I went a lot to pick up beer or alcohol was shut down. All the shelves were empty. Bummer!

On a positive note, I looooooove my new laptop. It makes everything so much easier. (I think I've blogged every day for the past 3 days. That might be a record for me. The laptop makes it so easy though.) Yay!

Just my luck

I can't catch a break!

I decided to go out and get started on some Christmas shopping at Wal-Fart. I had a shirt that I needed to return so that was my first stop. Of course they only had 1 person working Customer Service and the customer at the front of the line didn't speak English. The poor clerk didn't even know if she wanted to buy the stuff or return it! After a couple minutes it was decided that she wanted to buy because she started haggling over the price $2 shirts. Apparently that wasn't a good enough deal. She dismissed all of her items, save for a $2.50 box of hair color which she purchased after asking what the price was about 5 times. *sigh*

So then I was off to look at the maternity section to see if I could pick up some clothes for my sister. Um. Either Wal-Mart has the worst selection of maternity clothes ever, or I wasn't looking in the right place. All I found was 1 rack of pants and 1 rack of ugly shirts. *sigh*

Next stop was the toy section. Tate is way into the Cars movie so I was on the lookout for anything dealing with that. There were a few specific things that I was looking for, but I wasn't finding them. I spied a Cars logo on an endcap and I went around the corner to see what it was. I was met by 3 cameramen and some big black dude. Ooook. My first thought was that he was a basketball player buying some toys for charity or something and they were filming for the news. I went on my way, keeping an eye out for Cars logos, when I started to run into more and more big black dudes (and a couple big white dudes) and a bunch of screaming kids wearing name tags. Oh boy. It seems that I picked the night when the Cleveland Browns (football. I was mistaken thinking it was a basketball player. I have no clue about athletes.) take a bunch of kids shopping. Hoorah! That makes things so much easier. *sigh* After a couple turns around the toy section, dodging cameramen, football players and underprivileged kids, I decided it wasn't my night and I gave up.

I wonder if I'll end up on the news, looking pissed off. LOL.

All I ended up getting was a Cars pillowcase and a poker chip set (for my mom. She's turning my old bedroom into a game room.) What a waste. I have a headache. *sigh*

Down in a hole

I was afraid to go to sleep last night. Literally afraid to close my eyes. Why? I don't know. The only thing that I could think of was that I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to start another day.
My depression has been really bad for the past couple months, and it's getting even worse now. Stupid winter, fucking holidays. I hate them.
I didn't go to work today. I couldn't. All I want to do anymore is watch tv and get drunk. My drinking is out of control. My life is out of control. I can't take it anymore.
But instead of handling it the way I have in the past (sleeping pills and rat poison) I decided to try a different approach, because obviously the whole suicide route hasn't worked out too well for me. I'm still here, aren't I? Instead I made a doctor's appointment and I am going to ask for some anti-depressants. I really don't think they will work, they haven't the few other times in my life I've taken them, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to get rid of this depression. I don't think I ever will. It's been with me for over 10 years now. I don't think it's ever going away. But I have to try something because I can't live like this anymore. I'm not really living at all. I'm existing. Going through the motions of day-to-day life. Making the requisite jokes to fool everyone (including myself) into thinking that I'm ok. Yeah, I'm fine. *snort* That might be the best joke of all.