Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

My life cannot continue on this way. I've got to do something about the things that bother me, or I don't know how much longer I can last.

First up to bat, the thing that bothers me most - my weight. I've started on Weight Watchers again. It did work for me first time around. I lost 20 pounds and I've kept 15 of them off. I need to get back into the swing of eating better, and then after that I need to work out more. I'm sorry, did I say more? That would imply that I actually work out at all now, which I don't.

Secondly, no more smoking. At least for awhile. The fact that I smoke doesn't really bother me, I think it's just more of a control thing. I need to know that I can quit if I really put my mind to it. Today? I had to go to the dreaded gas station, with their taunting neon lights, but I didn't buy a pack, didn't even want to. Well, not much. *grin* But I resisted.

I'm also going to try and cut down on the drinking, mostly because I can't afford to give up the calories.

I've also been contemplating cutting out the emailing from work, but sheesh- I'm already giving up fast food and cigarettes. Baby steps. *grin*

If I lose some weight, I just know that I would feel better about myself and I would be more self-confident and much more apt to get out and look for a new job or make some new friends. And hopefully, find a boyfriend. *sigh*

I know that all of my problems stem from me being overweight. Self-esteem, self-worth, enthusiasm, confidence, energy-- they are all at practically zero right now. Maybe 1 on a good day. It can't continue. It just can't.

Picture Time!

I finally got the pictures from 4th of July developed. I need a digital camera. Scanning all these in sucked on a stick. *grin* They are too dark, but this has taken me forever and I didn't feel like fixing them. I hope they are at least somewhat visible. I.hate.my.computer.

Here are Tate & Ari wearing Amy's and my sunglasses. Awww!


Amy & Tate at the swing. Ready?... Set?...


GO! (but don't kick Aunt Jen in the face, please)


The yard, where everyone was playing another rousing edition of "The Washer Game" *rolls eyes*


The view from our dock...


*sigh* There is always a gorgeous sunset at the lake...

I just stole

a cigarette from my mom. *sigh* I feel like such a child, sneaking cigarettes. But I really want one, and I don't want to buy a whole pack because then I will smoke them all.

I told Carey the other night that I was trying to quit smoking and she said "Why on earth would you do that?" Ha. I laughed at the time, but you know what? I had no answer. I don't know why. It's not my health, my parents smoked for years around me, I figure if I'm going to get lung cancer I'd already have it, right? (I know this is not true, but I'm just not concerned about it. It's a thing of chance. People who smoke 5 packs a day might not get it, while someone else might get it just from secondhand smoke.) It's not the money, well at least not right now. I have about a 1-2 pack a week habit. $7 a week isn't so bad. I realize that it could be a problem down the road if I start smoking more, but I'm not worried about that right now either.
I think they only reason that I feel I should stop is because I don't want my sister or mom to know that I do it. My mom knows I smoke occasionally, but my sister doesn't know at all. Should I really stop doing something just because others don't want me to? Maybe.

So, the way I see it, I have 3 options right now.
1. Put the stolen cigarette back. I don't need to smoke.
2. Smoke the stolen cigarette on my way home. One won't hurt, right?
3. Put the stolen cigarette back and buy a pack on my way home. Fuck it. If I want to smoke, then I should.

Decisions, decisions. What Would Brian Boitano Do?

I've made a new phrase!!!

My mom said to me, "You have to get this project done by tomorrow, you know." To which I said "Well that sucks on a stick." Whut?

I don't know where it came from, but I like it and I will now use it all the time. Feel free to use it yourself, but if someone laughs you must give me proper credit. If they don't laugh, I had nothing to do with it. *grin*



PS- on a totally unrelated note, this has got me laughing like a moron. I don't know why it struck me as so funny, but I'm having a hard time controlling my laughter.

From the Average Joe forum:

Bebo 13308 desperate attention whore postings DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
07-06-05, 10:02 PM (EST)
6. "RE: NO WAY"

Don't bash another poster. If she wants to bash contestants and wish fire ants upon them, that is allowed on these forums. But you making it personal is not. Please read our community guidelines.

I want to help, but how?

I hate it when my friends fight. I hate it when anyone fights. When I was a kid, my mom and sister would fight a lot. They'd be in the kitchen screaming at each other, and I'd be in the living room crying. I always feel like I need to fix it, I need to help. But how? I don't know. And I don't want to butt in. If they wanted my help, they'd ask for it, right? And what makes me think that I could help anyhow? I don't know why they are fighting. I mean, I know... but I don't know, ya know? I don't know how to make it better, and I so wish I could. I don't want them to fight. They are both so upset, and I hate seeing my friends upset. I love them and I want them to be happy, or at least not miserable.

*sigh*

Tonight, on That 70's Show there was some advice given-- You just have to forgive. There may not be a reasonable explanation, but if you love the person and you want them in your life, you just have to forgive them and move on.

It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Maybe it is. Or maybe that's just cliched sitcom bullshit. But most cliche's do have some truth behind them.

I don't know.

XTREME! Fireworks

This weekend I journeyed to my family's lake house. Well, I used to consider it my family's lake house, but ever since my uncle moved up there full time it's more like my uncle's house where my family sometimes goes. I haven't been up there for about 5-6 years, but as a child we were up there all the time. It's a little place in Indiana, on the borders of Ohio, Michigan and Indiana. Lake George is the name. I was very excited about heading back there because it's probably my favorite place in the whole world, but also a little apprehensive because from what my sister told me of her last visit, it has pretty much become a place for all my uncle's buddies to hang out and not a family place anymore.

I left on Saturday at about noon, driving my mom's huge honkin' Explorer because the bastards at the BMV didn't send me my registration renewal stickers in time. (They came today. Phew!) It takes about 2.5 hours to get there, but there was a 1/2 hour backup because of all the holiday traffic on the toll road, so I arrived at 3, which is actually 2 Indiana time. It's nice to gain an hour going, but it sure sucks going home.

I was instantly amazed at all the renovations my uncle has made. There is a whole brand new garage and the building that used to be the garage/barn has been transformed into a cute little guest house. He built an awesome deck that goes halfway around the house and is the new hang out spot. We all used to chill in the front yard by the lake, but now the deck is where it's at. Even the lake looked different, and the trees. Everything was changed, but somehow still welcomingly familiar.

I immediately started drinking, and we just sat around the deck and hung out. By the end of Saturday there was 17 people there.
Me.
Amy, Brian and Tate.
My mom and her boyfriend Gary.
My uncle Dave, the owner. He reminds me so much of my Dad. Looks-wise and personality. He's so much fun. He always cracks me up.
My cousin Amanda and her 4 year old daughter Ari (short for Ariana).
My cousin Matt, his wife Angie, and their 1 year old daughter Marisha.
My cousin Michael, I think he's 21, who I haven't seen since he was a kid. We used to pick on him so bad. Heh. I liked it though, because for once I wasn't the youngest one when we were kids and I could finally get in on some torture. *grin*
My uncle Mike and 3 of his friends (who I barely even saw because they were hanging out on the lawn and they left on Sunday morning before we were even up-- what a bunch of old farts.)
It was a full house! We were joking that it was like a family reunion, which it was. It was so nice to have everyone together again. I've always felt so much more comfortable with my dad's side of the family. They are so much fun and so much more laid back than my mom's side.

So, Saturday was spent drinking and watching everyone play "The Washer Game", which consists of setting up two boxes about 10 feet apart and trying to throw washers in them. Heh. I only played once, a) because I sucked at it and b) I didn't get why everyone thought it was the best game ever invented. LOL. We also ate a ton. Everyone had brought a bunch of food. We had a cooler full of 40 pounds of meat... and I'm not exaggerating.

Then at night we took the pontoon boat out to watch the fireworks show. They set up like a little barge on the lake and have all the fireworks strapped to it. Of course my uncle feels he has to get as close as possible. LOL. We were probably 200 feet from this boat and the fireworks were exploding right over our heads. I swear some of them would have come right on the boat. The current kept pulling us closer to the barge, which was of course on fire, and my uncle had to keep backing up. A police boat actually came and parked right in front of us so we couldn't get any closer. LOL. It was good though, because the show itself was a little boring, so we needed to be right on the edge of catching on fire to spice it up. *grin* It was XTREME! baby!

Sunday was more of the same. Relaxing, eating, drinking, playing games. We went swimming, which I haven't done in a looooong time. It was fun though. Tate loved it, even when he would get a face full of water, he wasn't scared. He's so cute. My mom was being annoying as usual and spazzing out any time I would get more than 2 inches from him. Nevermind the fact that he was wearing a life jacket and the water was only up to his waist. *rolls eyes* We went for another pontoon ride that night and Brian and Michael fished. Mikey caught a gar, which is a huge skeery fish with a lot of teeth. He went back in the lake. Brian didn't catch anything.
Mom and Gary had left earlier in the day and Amy, Brian, and Tate left that night. Mikey, Matt and I started watching South Park: The Movie. Damn, that movie is fucking hilarious when you're drunk off your ass. *grin* Then Angie, Amanda, Mikey and I played Uno until the wee hours. Mikey kept making me draw four and so I started kicking him and calling him a turd. *snort*

Monday was spent lazing around the house. I was exhausted from too much drinking and not enough sleep and I wasn't looking forward to driving home. And it was HOT! I think it was about 90, which felt ok sitting on the deck with the breeze, but as soon as I started to pack my shit up I was sweating buckets. I put off leaving as long as I could. I didn't want to go. I could have stayed up there another week. Said my goodbyes to Uncle Dave and Mikey, everyone else had already left, and I was off.

I really hope to get back up there this summer. I love it there. I think it's my favorite place in the whole world. I took some pics, which I might try to post once I get them developed.