Why isn't it enough?

I have a nephew who I love more than anything in the world. He saved me, even though I didn't want to be saved. I used to think of suicide every day, but as soon as I looked into his face for the first time, I vowed that I would never attempt it again. I couldn't imagine not being around to see him grow up. I couldn't imagine him not knowing me.The thoughts still haunt me... not every day, but they're there.

I have wonderful friends who provide me with laughter and love every day. I am so happy that they have come into my life. They make me feel special and like I matter to someone.

I have battled with my weight my whole life. My impending stint as a bridesmaid in my sister's wedding has forced me to finally do something about it. I have lost 16 pounds so far, yet I don't feel any sense of accomplishment whatsoever.

I worry about money on a constant basis. I recently started working full-time and also got a very nice raise. In a couple months, after I save up some money, my worries will be greatly reduced.

Why aren't all of these things enough? Enough to make me happy... enough to give me hope for the future... enough to make me want to live?

Will it ever be enough? Will I ever be happy? Will I ever have hope for the future? Will I ever want to live?

Ah, memories

I hate having junky inboxes. I keep my email accounts pretty tidy, deleting any emails I don't need at the end of the day, however my inbox at SB is a different matter. I have kept every PM ever sent to me... and it's getting out of control. So, I decided to do a little cleaning today. Of course, I have to re-read every single one so I don't delete something I want to keep. It's so weird seeing the first interactions I had with people. Especially Carey, Glowie, and Steph. We were so... I dunno... formal... and now we're so... not. It's nice-- seeing how much my friendships have evolved. Reading the PM's from Jedi (the friend I was referring to in my 'Friendship' post) made me very sad 'cause it just reminded me how sweet he is and how much I miss him. Then there are the ones from people that I have only chatted with a few times. I'm keeping those- I want to remember that I've talked to those people. The birth of the *smooch walt*, yes I'm keeping that one too. :) Oh, and I'm not even 1/10 of the way done yet. Heh. I can't wait 'til I get to the marathons that me and Glowie have on a daily basis. There should be some real gems in there. *grin* I have to re-read all the things that I've forgotten about her. *winks at Glow*

Ok, back to cleaning I go...

I.Heart.Carebear

She is awesome, no? I was feeling down today because of various issues and then add in Valentines day on top of that. When I got home, there was the cutest.message.ever. waiting for me on my answering machine. I'm still grinning from it...partly from laughing at her, partly because it was so darn cute. :D

*big wet smooches* for my Carebear and the rest of my friends who make me smile when I am feeling down.

Friendship

How long should I wait before I accept that a friendship is over? I have a friend that I used to email with on a pretty regular basis. We never went more than about a week without touching base. The last email I wrote contained some pretty heavy stuff about my past relationships (because he asked about them). I haven't heard from him since- that's about 6 weeks. I've sent him a couple "Hey, where are you? Let me know you're ok" type emails and have received no response from those either. I guess it's possible that he just hasn't checked his email, maybe his computer crashed or something... but I don't think so. It makes me very sad, but also kind of angry. I just can't accept that he would stop talking to me and end our friendship without telling me. I thought we were closer than that. Plus, I just told him a bunch of deep, personal stuff and I get no response? Not fair. /whining. lol

On the other hand, he did do this one other time-- disappeared for a few months, but that was back when we hadn't really become friends yet. I just don't know what to think. Another thing that worries me is that he has some health problems, what if he's in the hospital or something? Arg. I hate not knowing whats going on. I guess I just have to keep checking my email, hoping that one day soon I will hear from him. *sigh*

Can we say rude?

My boss is not here very often, about once a week on average. He has been here every day this week so far. That in and of itself is annoying. However, this is what's bothering me right now:

Every morning I turn on my radio here. I listen to Stern until his show ends, and then I usually switch to a music channel that I like. I keep it very, very low so that I'm not disturbing anyone else. When my boss is here, I turn it so low that I can barely hear it, or I turn it off altogether. So today, I had my radio on and he came in and starts playing music on his laptop. It is not quiet- it is blaringly loud, especially in an office like this. It really irritated me. I couldn't even hear my music anymore. Couldn't he show a little consideration and play his music quietly so that I could enjoy mine too? Guess not. Oh, and it's not just any loud music- it's loud jazz. Screeching horns and trumpets blaring in my ears and reverberating off the walls of my head. I have such a headache.

Netflix

I used to be a huge fan of Netflix and have recommended it to several people, but their service has really been lacking lately. The turnaround time for getting movies used to be 3 days, now? it is 4 and sometimes 5 days. Example: They will recieve a movie that I sent back on Tuesday morning and then won't ship me a new one until late Wednesday afternoon. It's really irritating. They totally fucked up my Topher Grace-a-thon that I was planning for this past weekend. Dumb bastards. Also, they are not shipping movies in the order that I want them. They will be getting a strongly worded email from me and if the service doesn't go back to how it used to, I will probably be cancelling. Which I really don't want to do. I see that Blockbuster has a similar thing now, and it is $3 cheaper, but I worry that they won't have the selection that Netflix does.

*twitch*

I have an eye twich. I've had it for the past few days and it's really starting to irritate me. Anyone know how to get rid of a twitch? The word twitch is starting to look really funny.

*twitch*

Switchfoot

Continuing with my melancholy mood tonight... Switchfoot is a band. A Christian Rock band. For anyone who really knows me, you know that the idea of me liking a Christian rock band is absurd. And for those who don't really know me yet, let me tell you that I am an Atheist. I don't like Christian anything. Anyway, I heard a couple of their songs on the radio and really liked them, so I bought the cd. I am really moved by some of their songs... not because of the Christian angle, because they make me think... not about my "religion", but about my life. Anyway, here are a few lines that make me cry/think about my life. Mostly cry, but that's not surprising, considering I cry at the drop of a hat. LOL. I hope they convey the message without hearing the entire song.

"We were meant to live for so much more"

"Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open, maybe we're bent and broken"

"Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead.... yesterday is dead and over"

"This is your life, are you who you want to be? This is your life, is it everything you dreamed it would be, when the world was younger and you had everything to lose?" **

"Don't close your eyes, this is your life."

"I'm not givin' up, not backing down. I want more than fine, more than 'just ok'" **

"I dare you to move. I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor. I dare you to move like today never happened." **

"Between who you are and who you could be... between how it is and how it should be."


These are just lines from the first 5 songs. I listen to them over and over. I haven't even listened to the whole cd yet! LOL. I am just paraphrasing here, and mixing some of the words around so that they make sense... so any Switchfoot fans- don't be offended! I know this isn't exactly what the songs say. *smile*

And if this doesn't make any sense, forgive me. I'm drunk. *grin*

**- make me really bawl!

Gather 'round kiddos

it's story time!

So, about 2-3 years ago, I was working at Staples. Sometimes we would go up to Damon's (a restaurant/bar. I think they are nationwide, but just in case they aren't I thought I would explain) after work to have a drink. There was a bartender there (Ray) who would flirt with me. He was like the only guy to ever really flirt or take an interest in me. One time he told me I was gorgeous and he bought me a drink. Actually, I think he picked up my whole drink tab. I remember his words, 2 years later. He said "I'll get this. Don't feel like you owe me anything... even though you do. *wink*" I just blushed and rushed out of the restaurant with my friend. He was semi-cute, very smart and seemed to have a great sense of humor, but he never asked me out. I was way too shy to ask him out, even though I was pretty sure he would say yes. Anyhow, I quit Staples and stopped going there... until a few weeks ago. My mom and I went one night after work to have a few drinks and some dinner. He wasn't there. I didn't really expect him to still be working there after 2 years, but I was hoping. So we went there again tonight for happy hour and I was hoping against hope that he would be there. He wasn't, but I got up enough courage to ask our waitress if he still worked there. Turns out he just quit 2 months ago! She talked about him quite a bit... said how smart he was and that he had been on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" and had won $32,000. I almost cried right there. A smart, funny, semi-cute boy who was interested in me (ME!) and nothing ever came of it. If only we had gone there 2 months ago... it's just my luck. My horrible, rotten, awful luck. I'm very sad about this. I feel like I missed a great opportunity with someone special. :( Where is he???? (not Ray -- the man I'm supposed to be with... although who knows? It could've been Ray) *sigh and sob*

I'm bored

so I'm blogging, even though I have nothing to say. I really should do some work. Ummm....yeah... I got nothin'.

Oh! I know. I'll tell you all the story of my haircut. So, I go to Great Clips because I am poor and not particularly concerned with my hair. Well, I went on Sunday when they were having a sale. $6 for a haircut, can you beat that? So anyway, for some reason that is still unclear to me, they had a man dressed up like Shrek outside with signs promoting the sale. What Shrek has to do with Great Clips, I do not know. Around the time I got there, Shrek came insided and took his costume off, much to the horror and dismay of the 10 little kids inside the shop. I tried not to LOL. I tried. Then it was my turn and the girl cutting my hair proceeded to flirt with Shrek the entire time I was in her chair. At first it was funny, but when I noticed that she wasn't REALLY paying attention to my hair I started getting pissed and giving her dirty looks. After almost doubling the time it should have taken to cut my hair because of her flirt fest, she finishes my haircut... and then proceeds to spray mousse in my hair. Uh...exsqueeze me? Did I ask you to put mousse in my hair? Umm, no. This is Great Clips for chrissakes! They don't even wash your hair before they cut it! They just spray you with a spray bottle and they spray water all over your face and it ruins your makeup, now they're going to style it? I don't put any product in my hair, especially not to just go home. It really irritated me, but I am meek and don't like confrontation, so I kept my mouth shut. And even with the horrendous style she gave me, I could tell that I liked the cut, so I didn't want to bitch. My hair was all weighed down and sticky for the rest of the night. Bitch.