I was afraid to go to sleep last night. Literally afraid to close my eyes. Why? I don't know. The only thing that I could think of was that I didn't want to go to sleep because I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to start another day.
My depression has been really bad for the past couple months, and it's getting even worse now. Stupid winter, fucking holidays. I hate them.
I didn't go to work today. I couldn't. All I want to do anymore is watch tv and get drunk. My drinking is out of control. My life is out of control. I can't take it anymore.
But instead of handling it the way I have in the past (sleeping pills and rat poison) I decided to try a different approach, because obviously the whole suicide route hasn't worked out too well for me. I'm still here, aren't I? Instead I made a doctor's appointment and I am going to ask for some anti-depressants. I really don't think they will work, they haven't the few other times in my life I've taken them, but I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to get rid of this depression. I don't think I ever will. It's been with me for over 10 years now. I don't think it's ever going away. But I have to try something because I can't live like this anymore. I'm not really living at all. I'm existing. Going through the motions of day-to-day life. Making the requisite jokes to fool everyone (including myself) into thinking that I'm ok. Yeah, I'm fine. *snort* That might be the best joke of all.
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10 comments:
First, {{hugs}}
Second, I really love you, and I am going to be sending every positive vibe I have, over to you. I hope something works this time.
I'm always here if you need me. Let me know if there is *anything* I can do.
wow, Jen. All of these things I know but reading them somehow makes them more real. Or something. I love you. Your friendship means so much to me and I just want you to feel better. I want you to feel the love that your friends have for you.
Honey, we care & we love you. I think it's great that you can seriously "talk" about this with us. Even better than you are going to a doc. The one time I took antidepressants, they didn't work for me either. However, from what I understand, it can take trying 3 or 4 different meds to find one that works.
So hang in there. Play the guitar and sing silly songs. Keep talking to us about it. *hugs*
*sigh*
*hugs* I know there isn't anything that I can do or say. But I do love you and I want you to get help so that you have a chance at happiness. I'm here though if there is anything that I can do. *hugs* I love you.
We're all here for you. Get those meds and they might work this time. We know how you feel more than you may know. *hugs*
{{hugs}}
I've sent you a red wavy flag.
Big {{{hugs}}}
We all love you. Take very good care of yourself. You're the only you we have.
*hugs* for Jen.
Puffy & Nutz said it better than I could.
*HUGS* I am so very sorry Jen. Please keep your appointment with the doctor and try the meds. If they don't work, go back to the doctor and keep trying.
*MORE HUGS*
Depression is an illness. It can be sudden like a broken leg, chronic like cerebral palsy or malignant like cancer.
Treatment is not easy, as effective treatment often involves a great deal of effort and entitlement on the part of the patient, the very things that are sucked away from you with depression when you may feel lazy and worthless.
However, there are a lot of treatments beyond popping pills. (While I am big fan of chemists, mental illess is complicted and is not cured the same as a broken leg). Your doctor should be able to do more for you than prescribe some pills. You may need to demand it,but remember that you are worth it and you are ill and deserve proper treatment.
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