If you find drunk honesty to be too much, or irritating, then I suggest you turn away now. LOL.
These thoughts have been rattling around in my head for quite awhile now, but right now is the only time I feel like actually sharing them. 'Cause who can be embarrassed when they are shitfaced, I ask you? *snort*
I am trying my best to hold the typos to a minimum, but please forgive me if this is absolutely unreadable.
Ok, so. When you think about your dream job, what is it?
*waits for pondering*
For me? it is to be an actress. I haven't told many people that, because I think it is silly. (I know people have blogged about a dream job before. Notice I have never commented, because I am too embarrassed.) A horribly fat actress? *snort* Dream on, Jen! But I honestly think I would be good at it. I think one of my best traits is the fact that I can often put myself in the position of others. I can usually see both, or all, sides to a story. I can imagine what it would be to feel what they are feeling. I think I might be able to portray that as an actress. If only...
If only I wasn't so ugly.
If only I wasn't so fat.
If only I wasn't so shy.
If only I had more self confidence.
If only I didn't live in Strongsville, Ohio! LOL.
Once upon a time, in high school, I thought I would try to pursue my dream. I was going to try out for a school play! But alas, once it came time for auditions, I was too nervous, and I ended up settling for a job on the props crew. *sigh* That is the only time that I have ever even considered pursuing my dream.
What has brought about this self-evaluation and honesty, you ask? LMAO. Well, I have to say that it is all due to my most recent reality tv crush, Benji Schwimmer, winner of So You Think You Can Dance. *snort* If you've watched the show, you might understand my hilarious reaction. Benji is a total dork, a total geek, and a total Mormon! LOL! I, as an agnostic/atheist, would never have imagined myself as a supporter and fangirl of a Mormon, but so it is. Benji made (makes) me happy. He makes me smile. I wish I could lead the kind of life that he does and follow my dream.
One thing that has really stuck out to me (and the main inspiration for this post), is in an interview when Benji was asked if the girl of his dreams had to be able to know how to dance. He said "No. As long as she has a passion."
*sigh* It was at that moment that I realized I really have no passion in life. I would *love* to be an actress, but know that is terribly unrealistic. No matter how hard I diet and try to be beautiful and skinny, I would never make it in Hollywood. I *love* to sing, but know that my voice is probably not good enough to make a career out of it. The only thing I could truly think of that I was passionate about was gay rights. But, Ha! What have I really done to show my support and passion for gay rights? Nothing. *sigh*
I feel like such a loser. A failure with nothing that means something.
Anyhow, if you've read this far, thank you! I know it is not an intersting subject to anyone but me. So I thank you all for being my friends. *smooches* all around.
/drunk posting
Don't be surprised if this is deleted tomorrow. Heh. I was feeling the need to post something personal. and it was between this and my masturbation habits. *snort* (No masturbation posts are forthcoming as of right now, fyi.)
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13 comments:
*smile*
Jen, I do love you. FTR, being an actress does NOT = "making it in hollywood" (unless that was part of your dream). You could easily pursue an acting job/hobby/passion in your own town, in the local theatres. I realize you may be too shy to do this, but don't say you can't just because of Hollywood's standards. Remember Grant Show from Melrose Place? He was the resident gorgeous guy. And what about the cute blond that was also in the first season? Beautiful, good enough acting skills, and...gone. Perfect looking people don't even "make it" in hollywood.
If acting is something you might enjoy, look into the local places, start by volunteering behind the scenes, if it helps. Just don't cross it off completely, in an 'all or nothing' mentality (unless of course you want to, which is completely your right).
I'll always read anything you write, Jen, because I care about you. Drunk or not, you are always *you* and that? Is a good thing.
*smooch* No dream is unatainable if you want it bad enough. Maybe you could do some work behind the scenes somewhere until you build up enough confidence and then see wehre it goes from there?
What are you talking about that you haven't supported gay rights? You went to the largest gay parade in the world. Believe it or not, that is a form of support.
*smooch*
I hope you feel okay today.
I agree with MM about finding something local to help pursue your passion. Start out by being a "reader", someone that fills in during practices for those not there.
*smooch*
*totally embarrassed* I really have got to start turning off my computer when I'm drinking.
Thanks, guys. I will consider your suggestions. *smooches*
You know, you can always visit Alec and tell him about your masturbation habits...
As for the rest, actors come in all kinds of packages with all kinds of personalities. Whether you ever end up on a stage or in front of a camera, I think that you are a cool person just the way you are (even when you're drunk).
OMD, Jen. I love you so much. This stuff breaks my heart. I think you need to look into some way of building your self confidence. Self-help books, seminars, something.
ditto MM - she smaht
I am impressed with the lack of typos in this post after some of the emails I got last night. heh.
*waits for masturbation post*
Dang! I was gonna suggest what MM did too! Get with a local theatre company ASAP!
You know, on days when you don't want to face the world, when you put that brave face on and go out the door anyway, you are being an actress. And a darn good one, too.
I seriously thought that I had clicked on MTW's blog and started to read the latest entry. Then I got to the part about being "a fat actress" I *boggled*. MTW wants to be a female actor? Huh? Then I thought "Damn, Mark what proof alcohol are drinking, cuz you're WASTED." Then I figured out it was Jen's blog and felt very silly.
Jen there are LOTS of opportunities to try your hand at acting. You could even start with something small like working at a Rennesaince (sp?) Festival. Oh and everything MM said. And I would LOVE to hear about your 'habits'. That would be a great post!
I actually find this a very compelling entry. I agree with MM that a local theatre troup might be a great place just to get involved. Or take an acting class through a local college. Almost every college, even community colleges, offer some sort.
I struggle with the "passion" thing, too. I need to do more volunteer work. That's where a lot of people find their passion.
Not all actors are extroverts, a fair number are incredibly shy - or so I'm told. I've never wanted to be an actor. I do enjoy attending community theater, however, and those part-time actors have more fun sharing their passion for acting while putting on some kick-ass productions!
I once saw a production of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe where the actress (a short, rather chubby teen) who played the Queen's dwarf lackey (sorry, I can't remember the character's name) brought down the house. She was so good! She got more applause at curtain call than the so-called stars.
Later, I read in the program that she always feared how people might react to her, but finally decided to stop worrying and just act - and that made her beautiful imo. Acting is insight and passion. Try a community theater!
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1275869/
http://www.nowtoronto.com/issues/2002-06-20/stage_theatrereviews.php
This is a friend of mine. About 7 years ago, at age 27, she decided she was finally going for it after years of thinking about it and went to an audition in Toronto. Another GF and I went with her for moral support. We took lots of pictures. It was "the beginning".
She didn't get the part and the first person she approached to be her agent told her to lose 20 pounds, get a boob job and "do something about your hair".
She's in a lot of commercials now, which pay the bills and she still does community theatre, which she credits with bulking up her resume in the early years.
She's also taken acting classes. Which might be a nice start for anyone who's interested in doing that kind of thing.
Go for it, sweetie! My best friend from high school did very well in NYC for over 20 years working on Broadway, in commericals, small parts in movies, behind the scene productions, etc. She never once went out to Hollywoood to try her luck there. She stayed in NYC the whole time. Two of her very good friends are Rick Moranis (Ghostbusters) and Mary MacDonald (Dances with Wolves) who she met when they were all just out of college and starting in the "biz". Even though her path was different from their's, she still feels she was very successful and was so glad she followed her passion. Did she make a ton of money? No, but she made enough to live in Manhattan for 24 years and follow her dream.
A few years ago she decided that her true calling was helping people, so she went back to school and is now a clinical psychologist. She isn't acting anymore but wouldn't trade that experience for anything.
Go for it! The worst that could happen is you do decide you don't like it and cross it off your list.
*big hugs*
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