Ya know, all these years I've been telling myself that the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because I'm fat and ugly. Sometimes I have a good day and only blame it on being fat, and I tell myself that I have a pretty face. I tell myself that if they would just get to know me on the inside, they would see that I'm a good person. A nice person. A fun person.
But that's not true.
I'm not a good person. Or a nice person. Or a fun person. I'm a miserable, mean person. I have awful character traits that nobody wants.
I'm bitchy
I whine too much
I'm jealous
I'm selfish
I'm not intelligent (I wouldn't say I'm dumb, because that's not true, but I'm not intelligent)
I'm lazy (really, really fucking lazy)
I'm un-motivated (to do anything... look for a new job, go back to school, make new friends, even clean my apartment)
I'm depressed and sullen
I have low self-esteem
I'm not independent
I'm not adventure seeking
I'm not spontaneous
I'm a fucking emotional cripple who cries at everything
I'm not strong-minded or strong-willed
I let people walk all over me, and rarely tell them how I really feel
I'm pessimistic and I see the bad in everything
I could go on...
All these years, I've been fooling myself. Telling myself that people should like me, guys should like me, if only they would get to know me. What a fucking joke. I've always known that I hate myself, and I won't be fooled any longer.
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2 comments:
*smooch*
Well, I don't think that you are a lot of these things, but I know that if you feel that way about yourself, me saying differently isn't going to help.
But remember this. There are a lot more people out there who share a lot of if not most of these traits. You aren't alone in that.
The only thing you lack as far as getting a boyfriend, is the confidence and the willingness to put yourself out there. Take chances. I know you don't want to.
But, you did it with us and vic versa. If not, we would not all have each other to turn to. You just need to do that with the boys of the world. Because I really think that you have a lot more to offer than you give yourself credit for.
BTW, I sent you that email that I sent before I ever read this. Just so you know.
*hugs*
Jen, sweetie, it makes me sad to read those words. But like Carey said, nothing I say will make you feel differently. I'll just tell you what I think. I think you are a good person. A beautiful person. A nice person. A fun person. You are a good friend, Jen. I feel blessed to know you. I am very thankful to OT for bringing you into my life.
Also like Carey said, you do have to put yourself out there and take chances. I know you fear rejection. That's understandable. We all fear it and experience it on some level. But if you don't stop and smell the flowers, you'll miss out on some wonderful smells. Sure, for every rose there are a bunch of stink weeds but the smell of that rose makes it all worth it.
I love you, shithead, and I am always here for you. As is Carey (she can be alright sometimes).
*smooch* *hug*
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